Yesha Callahan

Where Have All The Black Fathers Gone?

“More than half of all black children live in single-parent households, a number that has doubled — doubled — since we were children.” ~Barack Obama
blackfather

On Father’s Day 2008,  Barack Obama spoke to the congregation of Chicago Apostolic Church of God on the subject of the absence of men in the lives of their children, more specifically black children.  Statistically speaking, roughly about 50% of black children grow up in single parent households, minus the father. Also statistics have shown that some of these children who grow up without a father are five times more likely to live in poverty and commit crime; nine times more likely to drop out of schools and 20 times more likely to end up in prison.

“Any fool can make a child, it’s the courage to raise a child that makes you a father”~Barack Obama

I’ve never been one to look at statistics on a large scale and I haven’t decided if that’s good or bad as of yet. Personally, sometimes I’d rather look at the smaller scale, when it comes how I grew up and how my friends & some family members were raised. I would have to say, percentage wise, 60% of my black friends were raised in single parent households, by their mothers. That is definitely higher than the 50% of the nationwide statistics. I can also say, hese friends/family members that were raised in single parents households do not fit into the negative statistics that are thrown upon black single-household families. These people range from teachers, principals, attorneys, federal government employees and even an award winning actor. But I guess, the bigger question to ask is, what made these households different from the ones the statistics are based upon?

“Of all the rocks we build our lives, we are most dependent upon the family. We are called to recognize how critical the father is to that foundation”~ Barack Obama

I’ve always believed that, if there is only one parental unit in the household, it doesn’t automatically make it less successful than having two. It brings back the whole Hilary Clinton saying, “It takes a village”. When my parents divorced, my father wasn’t always around, but I did have strong role models in my uncles who always treated my siblings & I as if we were their own children. Growing up in our neighborhood, everyone looked out for each others children. It wasn’t uncommon to get disciplined by the neighbor or have them drag you by the ear to your mother when they caught you doing something wrong. But nowadays, you don’t see that happening. God forbid someone attempts to discipline or correct the wrong  doings of someone else’s child. It could turn into an all out war between the adults.

Where do we begin in promoting two parent households within the black community? Who do you feel is responsible for the reconstruction of the black family?

On my must see list this weekend, is a documentary that will discuss these issues and many others. On Sunday, February 8th at 8pm,  MSNBC will present a Black History Month special documentary appropriately titled “A Father’s Promise”. It will include a cross-section of African-Americans, including Al Roker, Tiki Barber, Newark NJ Mayor Corey Booker; Melissa Harris-Lacewell, Princeton Professor of Politics & African-American Studies and many others. The round table discussion will hopefully shed light on the issues at hand, but also offer a healthy discourse on solutions.

  1. February 6, 2009 - Reply

    Nice post. I’d have to say my percentage of friends growing up in single family households was much larger. Probably over 80 or 90. To me its a case where I don’t think the statistic tells the whole story, but you can’t argue that a two parent household had advantage to just one parent.
    My mother taught me to be a man. My father showed me why not to be everything else.

    • February 6, 2009 - Reply

      @Tony

      “My mother taught me to be a man. My father showed me why not to be everything else.”
      Pretty succinct & apropos!

    • February 8, 2009 - Reply

      @Tony

      @ Tony:
      True. I, too, came from similar circumstances and could usually tell those who came from single parent families. But, there are plenty of single fathers that spend significant time and provide financial support to their children that go unnoticed too. However, single parent households, particularly those without fathers being primary caretakers, is a serious issue in our community. And, although many of our sisters have done a tremendous job on their own, I think I’d much rather grow up with both of my parents than just one.

  2. February 6, 2009 - Reply

    I would have to agree with Tony. Just because there are statistics out there that show percentages, does not mean that those percentages count everybody as a whole in what child lives in what type of household. I honestly believe that in some instances, some children are better off living in single-parent households. Reason being: SOME FATHERS aren’t really father material. Like President Obama said it best, “Any fool can make a child…” And with these absent fathers, this is what they truly are. I have lived in a single-parent household, while I’ve had siblings whom lived with both parents. And quite honestly, it ain’t much difference between the two. I won’t go into alot of detail on that one, but I’m sure you get the point. I will say this: they are some two-parent households that are just as dysfunctional, if not worse, than single-parent households. I don’t care what stats are saying, I’ve seen this firsthand. Some absent parents are best left to be right where they are…ABSENT.

    • February 6, 2009 - Reply

      @Untouched Jewel

      “I honestly believe that in some instances, some children are better off living in single-parent households. Reason being: SOME FATHERS aren’t really father material.”
      That is definitely true! I’ve seen people grow up in miserable living situations when both parents were in the household. I think we can all site examples where children are being raised in dysfunctional two parent households, and who become statistics themselves, but of you’ll never read about those statistics.

  3. February 6, 2009 - Reply

    I have often wondered about the issue of single-parent vs. two-parent households. I grew up in a two-parent household, and so have almost all of my friends. The two who didn’t lost their fathers to an accident and a heart attack when they were very young. I know statistics aren’t everything, but it would seem as if, while kids who grow up in two-parent households are not perfect, children in single-parent households disproportionately suffer ill affects.
    I agree that single-parenthood is best for children if one partner has serious issues. However, I have always wondered how people have children with dysfunctional folks? Or why people have children by people they know they don’t want to marry? Or people feel like they are ready to have children but not a serious life partner? BOTH of these things are EQUALLY serious! I feel like if you are not good enough for me to marry or have expressed that you don’t want to get married, we do not need to have kids. Yes people are sexual and accidents happen, but I think people need to get a hold of themselves … And some condoms, birth control, and plan B. I especially have a problem with folks who do this repeatedly. I know there are issues at root. But let’s work on the issues and stop producing children.
    I think the most important thing is for children to have positive models of both genders around to fully develop different parts of their personalities. If there is no father, there should be a grandfather, uncle, older cousin, etc. I think that single women raise perfectly functional children who are contributing members of society everyday, but having some else there is definitely a help.
    Something that bothers me is that women, regardless of race, always seem to bear the brunt. And then when things go wrong, we get blamed.
    We as a society need to stop letting men off the hook.
    Regarding the original questions, to the first I would say we need to promote it as a norm and as something positive. I’ll never forget that article where the little black boy said he wanted to be a good dad, but when asked about being a husband said marriage was for white people! Marriage is an institution – spiritual, legal, and financial. It is emotionally enriching, leads to longer lives, and makes it easier to acquire wealth. It is great to want to be a great father, but wouldn’t you be a better father if you were also an excellent husband? To the second question, I would say while it is something both sexes need to play a role in, at this point the burden NEEDS to fall on black men. Many people talk about the lack of marriageable black men for black women. I think the issue is much deeper. A good number of black men do not WANT to get married. Or if they do, not until they are in their late 30s and early 40s. I think the majority of black women DO want to get married, and this is at a variety of social, educational, and economic levels. But if men do not want to marry … Black women can cry till the cows come home and nothing will happen … Unless they begin to explore other options for marriage partners. Black men who wait until much later for marriage will likely marry younger partners. At some point the equilibrium in age-marriage age is disturbed and you end up with a group of black women who are not married. In addition, women’s bodies do have clocks. Yes, medical science has made it easier to have safe pregnancies later and later in life, but I am very wary of this. I think there is a problem in this country with the over-medicalization of pregnancy and child birth.

    • February 7, 2009 - Reply

      @Lauren

      Your 2nd paragraph says it all!
      People date & have sex with people and don’t think about the ramifications of what happens if an accident happens. I’ve learned a long time ago, that if I’m going to be in any type of relationship it’s going to only be with someone who has long term potential and who would be responsible enough to support me in any type of decision I would make in the event of an ‘accident’.
      Also like you stated, a lot of black men, don’t have marriage on their minds, until they are older…also, exploring other options for marriage is something a lot of black women never take into consideration. I’ve always said black women are the most loyal to black men, but I can’t say that is always reciprocated!
      I think I”ll wait until after the documentary airs on Sunday to address the other issues you pointed out in your reply!
      Thanks for stopping by, it’s much appreciated!

  4. February 7, 2009 - Reply

    Let the media tell it…all the absent fathers are rolled up and asleep in their baby momma’s coochie. I’m with you, they tend to focus on the negative and transform it to be representative of the norm. The sad thing is that we as Black people buy into the hype ourselves.

    • February 7, 2009 - Reply

      @RiPPa

      Exactly! What I want to know, if they take in account the fathers who aren’t necessarily in the household, but support and care for their children as well.

  5. February 7, 2009 - Reply

    This blog has my mind going in all different directions, and I want to express all of those thoughts, but I’ll just answer the questions asked.
    Where do we begin in promoting two parent households within the black community?
    In the home…sounds novel right? But, its going to have to be a seed that is planted from early on, and as progressive as we all like to be, somethings traditionally never go out of style. It will require stepping back and examining what we look at as healthy relationships to ensure we teach the right things to our kids.
    Who do you feel is responsible for the reconstruction of the black family?
    I think it’ll have to start on a small scale within the household unit. Also learning how to not take some things so personal. A lot of single parent homes are just that because one parent for whatever reason couldnt look at the bigger picture and be selfless enough to compromise for the sake of the family unit.
    Again this topic has a lot of dynamics that can be commented on, I’m going to process some more, drink my green tea, and comment later

    • February 7, 2009 - Reply

      @357que

      Fam,
      Everything sounds novel on paper, but to put it into action is a different story.

  6. February 8, 2009 - Reply

    “they tend to focus on the negative and transform it to be representative of the norm. The sad thing is that we as Black people buy into the hype ourselves.”
    This quote from one of the early commenters says it all, really.
    This isn’t exclusively a ‘black problem’. If you study the problem from a non-racial perspective, it’s easy to see that the numbers are more or less equal regardless of race — half of the nations’ children are in single-parent homes, regardless of skin-color.

  7. February 8, 2009 - Reply

    As a Latino raised in a single-parent home, I think that we’re too obsessed with the statistics and we lose the forest for the trees. While my own biological father wasn’t always present, I was raised in a community where family members and other elders stepped in to supply adequate and positive male role models.
    a few years ago, I did an exploratory series of interviews designed to see if this was a singular experience, or if (as in my personal experiences), black and Latino men aren’t being raised with male role models. My initial unscientific findings seemed to point toward unexplored areas, but no on wanted to fund this area of inquiry.
    While I am not saying there isn’t a price to pay for absentee fathers, I am saying that it’s all not so simple as we like to portray in the media. I want to say that I had good men in my life, who, though they weren’t my BIOLOGICAL fathers, they nonetheless had a huge influence in my becoming the man I am today.
    I am saying that maybe we need to look at the reality of the complexity of the human experience before we start handing out generalizations based on a partial perspective of the reality of growing up black or Latino.
    Eddie

  8. February 8, 2009 - Reply

    We always see the statistic about half of black children grow up in single-parent homes without the father. Yet, we rarely hear about the other half. The other half where the father IS present and making significant contributions to their families and communities. I agree that we should do what we can about the half of the fathers who aren’t there (and support the women who are doing it on their own), but we should do more to celebrate and uplift the fathers who ARE present so that they can be bigger role models and reach out to lift up those absent fathers.

  9. February 8, 2009 - Reply

    Excellent read…
    I think the problem lies less with the mere fact of single parenthood and more with a lack of support in general. I and most of the folks I know grew up in two-parent homes, but as you stated, there were still uncles/aunties, neighbors, etc. that would correct a child who was out of pocket, no matter the parentage or familial relationship.
    Unfortunately, society has evolved (or is that DEvolved) to a place where people don’t get involved with their neighbors, let alone their community, and the children are the ones who are suffering the most behind this laizzez-faire approach.

  10. February 8, 2009 - Reply

    This is very interesting, I must say that as much as I like to see stats, its the theory combined with application that would be better for society as a whole. This speaks to the lack of a father, but the question should pose the lack of a “father figure”. I had many, a negative influence from a step-father, and many positives from an asst. principle to a policeman who I really respected and looked up to. It has to become more of a application based culture and not just seeking stats. The problem with that is we are so stagnant in our perceptions and traditions that we dont move forward. That goes beyond race and culture.It speaks to a socio-economic group that is ignored and readily the placed as the cancer of our societies ills.
    I look forward to the show later.

  11. February 8, 2009 - Reply

    I think that it’s more then just an absence of black fathers that is the problem. You said it yourself let somebody try to discipline somebody else’s child. This has become the age of me not family first.
    And while it’s black history month and we are focusing on black families look at columbine. Those kids had both parents there, but the parents were mostly absent. I mean how many people here could say they could sit in their room and build a pipe bomb and one of their parents wouldn’t have come in the room at some point in time and asked what are they doing? I grew up with both parents and let a phone call from a teacher come in or me show up late from school oh I had some explaining to do. Now it appears a lot of parents as long as you stay out of their face could care less what you are doing.
    Then in this age of abstinance only people aren’t learning anything about the responsibility of raising a child. So people are running around making kids and dropping them off at moms house, or grand moms house and hitting the streets to meet their next baby daddy/mama. I mean I know where saying single parent homes but is there a parent in the house? I mean seriously how many times have you gone out and seen a single mother and then just seen a woman with kids. Kids are running wild and the mother is just standing there acting like she doesn’t care.
    I was at a KFC the other day and saw this contrast clearly. A girl walked in with I think her mother and her two kids, and another woman walked in by herself with two kids. The one with her mom there her kids were well behaved they tried to run around once and grandma gave them the look they stopped running came and sat down while mom was in line. The other mother her kids were just running around and until the kids actually bumped into her she didn’t say a word to them.
    Now both of them could have had the childrens father at home or neither of them could have, but if you look who was actually getting some parenting. While I agree the fathers should be there before you start blaming the lack of a father for anything you might wanna check and see if you have a single parent or a no parent home first.

  12. February 8, 2009 - Reply

    Sorry…I couldn’t figure out how to make a generic post, nor direct it to the right person.

  13. February 8, 2009 - Reply

    So many of our successful men and women who have affected change within our communities come from single parent families. Just like you said, I too was raised by a single mom, whose brothers and sisters and closest friends became that village. Not all are negative statistics. A lot of of hard working, educated, upstanding citizens are from single parent homes, where the EXAMPLE was founded by a caring, nurturing parent who demanded the best of their children. Sure, does a man need to stick around and BE that example? Yes…but his absence certainly doesn’t undercut the focus of a determined mom to see her children succeed.
    Well written my sister

  14. February 9, 2009 - Reply

    Im here because Rippa sent me.
    I am a white woman raising two black sons. First husband left his son when he was two. It was better he not be in his life he was not an example of what I wanted my son to learn to become. Then I met my second husband and he was, he became dad then we had a son. Upon our divorse and him remarrying he now has nothing to do with either child. My oldest now struggles in school, wondering why no man wanted to stick around and be dad. His biological father, now a better man, is back in his life but missed the critical parts of him being raised. My youngest losing his father too is succeeding in school. So I have two opposite book ends. But craves the love to just mean something to his father, actually wants to call and beg to see if he can come spend time with him. But both have told me through their fathers actions they know what they do not want to become. “mom even if my wife and I get divorsed my kids will never wonder if i love them”. I have always raised them to know, you can succeed despite the fact they werent around. Because I have instilled in them the good character and morals that they need to survive.
    I agree though, sometimes it is just better to be raised seperate but parenting together. Some fathers just dont need to be around their children and in some cases it is better that mom and dad are not toether. I have always read the sterotypes and never really bought into the statistics of it all. I know many single parent households who do not adhere to the sterotype while there were some two parent households that the kids are more messed up because of it. I try to find my sons surregote fathers, not my boyfriend but friends who are about something in their lives, to play the “uncle” roll. So though they dont have their fathers so much in their lives now there are men in their lives to help me mold them.
    But I do see the harm that not having their father show them love, even from afar, to have their fathers remind them they matter in their lives has done to them. I have never stood in the way of them having a relationship with their sons. They stand in their own way. Being states apart is no reason. There are phones. In my case there is and never was an excuse they could give. My second ex, because his wife doesnt like me because he married me and we had his first born not her and if he speaks to me she throws a fit in the background. So there is no baby momma drama but step momma drama. So to not make her mad at him he makes his son suffer. I dont understand that.
    But I can say in many ways it is also making my sons better men. Cause they are learning what NOT to do as a parent.

    • February 9, 2009 - Reply

      @Jennifer

      Wow … I hate when folks act like that. If he is attempting to be in his child’s life in a positive manner let him! The wife of your second ex needs to grow up! Or she should have done a better job in selecting her mate. If being the first wife and having the first child was that important to her, and it is for MANY women, then don’t marry a man who is divorced with kids.

      • February 13, 2009 - Reply

        @Lauren

        That is what I said, she was his first love they were engaged when she kicked him to the curb. We met in Germany and got married, she HATED the fact I gave him everything she didnt. She knew we had a son, she knew he had a relationship with my oldest son and raised him for 10 years, she knew he laid down with a woman without protection and on the first night created a daughter. So dont bitch about it afterward. Dont tell the other momma, he never wanted her anyway…dont cuss me out every chance you get. Cause that DAM sure dont make me comfortable having my kids around YOU with such anger. Because their father has proven he wont stand up for them time and time again..
        It is a sad day when your son who is 9 checks your ass.
        His dad asked him one time after not speaking to him for almost a year. “Dont you ever ask your momma if you can call me?”
        My sons reply “Dont you ever ask **** (just in case she reads this…lol) if you can call me?”
        So some of the black fathers arent around do to the new wife and his inability to check her ass. Though he should be a man and stand up to her, I see so many that “to keep the peace” decide it is easier to just not deal with the kid or that childs mom.
        Literally leaving her to raise a young black man, while he is Ok with paying that bill every month. Never understanding the impact his absence has on his son. I have never kept him away, never told him he couldnt call his father, his number is in his cell phone he can call him whenever.
        But kids ONLY put in the effort that you put in. You dont call and check on him what on earth makes you think when he makes the honor roll YOU are the first person he would want to call. I finally told my son for the first time ever, NO you cant call your dad and beg him to see you. Cause truthfully, if he cared and wanted to see you, he would make the plans to do so. I wont let my son beg his father to be to acknowledge him, only to be let down yet again.

  15. February 9, 2009 - Reply

    This may be unpopular, but I refuse to date men from single parent households. So many of you have focused on how children of single parents have become productive workers, but none of you have said anything about their relationship skills. I have decided to exclude black men from my dating pool because too many of them do not know how to behave like men in relationships. I cannot teach a man how to be a man, that is something his father should have done. I am a woman, and my parents taught me well. Even my platonic same-sex friends are all women whose parents are married. I don’t really get along with those in single parent households.

  16. February 10, 2009 - Reply

    Im far too selfish to have children
    eclectik-discussion.com

  17. February 10, 2009 - Reply

    This is a great post. I don’t have time to comment how I’d like, but I sent this out on FB and Twitter. I’ll be back!

  18. February 10, 2009 - Reply

    I live in a community where there are both billboard campaigns and television commercials asking families to “Establish Paternity,” paid for by the county’s Child Support services. Those billboards can only be found in the more “urban” areas, if you understand my meaning.
    I’m a single parent, and grew up without my father. My son’s father was also brought up by a single parent, and is currently abstaining from parenting.
    I do think that it’s a good thing that my father wasn’t in the home. He would have been a terrible role model – and my brother and I went through a lot less heartache and headache without him. However, I have had to overcome a lot of rejection issues because of it. And my brother had the most difficult time understanding how to be a man. He was very good at being a boy for twenty seven years. So, either way there were negative repercussions. And both he and I both had children out wedlock. Luckily, after a while, he reunited with his family and is married and raising his own children.
    But that leads me wonder: why are there so many fathers who aren’t mature enough to raise children? Why are there so many men who are ill-equipped to create families? What’s the real difference between white men and black men/ white women and black women?
    A few years ago a white professor informed me that the percentage of black women in third world countries who were single parents raising children by multiple fathers was the exact same percentage as black women in Cincinnati, Ohio. And he was dumbfounded as to why. So am I.

  19. February 11, 2009 - Reply

    i thought we were here. I have raised my kids my whole life bymyself – i ask where the mothers

  20. February 12, 2009 - Reply

    The Black Fathers were removed from the Black Community via Feminism in 1970 and re-structured Marriage Laws which were made to be biased against men.
    Years later BW are still trying to cover up the fact that men win custody only 13% of the time. I’m disgusted at what Black Women did to our communities. Worst still they try to focus on some epidemic og BM leaving and them being the responsible ones, when in actuality
    Black Women are responsible for why BM aren’t there. You wanted Sole Custody and Head of the Household?
    You got it.
    Now Shut-Up and stop bashing the Men, the actual victims of the Hate Campaign statred by women 40 yrs ago.
    Disgusting BW and their denial.

    • February 12, 2009 - Reply

      @BlacknDeckr

      wow, let the misogyny begin.
      i’m going to agree with you on just one point, and one point only…yes SOME black women are responsible on why they choose to sleep with SOME loser black men and have babies with them….if you live your life in absolutes, then sure, blame the whole community as a whole. if you live your life by statistics, which i clearly pointed out that I did not, then blame all men and believe that all men are not in their children’s lives.
      but where do you get off calling black women disgusting? the disgusting part is that you took the time to leave a hate filled comment, which yes, i could easily delete, but i won’t..b/c you obviously have some pent up issues with not only black women, but with yourself…and for the record if you knew anything about the feminism in the 70’s, you’d know that the role black women played were minute, compare to their white counter parts.
      i’ll say a pray for you.

      • February 12, 2009 - Reply

        @[fung'ke] [blak] [chik]

        See while dude is wrong sis so are you. Oh yes he bashed the hell out of black women unfairly, calling sistas disgusting. Some of the sistas may not be acting in anybody’s best interest but their human ain no need to call them disgusting.
        But if your so outraged when somebody bashes a sista where are you when a sista bashes a brother. It’s a vicious cycle, women complain about men, date idiots and then when they get a good guy lump him in with the idiots and mistreat him and when he runs they give another idiot a chance and wonder why they can’t find or keep a good man case in point

        TMD Says:
        February 9th, 2009 at 6:29 pm
        This may be unpopular, but I refuse to date men from single parent households. So many of you have focused on how children of single parents have become productive workers, but none of you have said anything about their relationship skills. I have decided to exclude black men from my dating pool because too many of them do not know how to behave like men in relationships. I cannot teach a man how to be a man, that is something his father should have done. I am a woman, and my parents taught me well. Even my platonic same-sex friends are all women whose parents are married. I don’t really get along with those in single parent households.
        She would be cool if she stuck to her initial point: whether I agree with it or not saying that you exclude men from single parent homes because in your experience they are unstable is a respectable point. Trying to then lump in all black men because they ones she seems to attract are idiots ain a point it’s the same thing dude was doing.
        She’s bashing men because the type of men she finds herself attracted to are no good. Some men are attracted to women who are no good. People make dumb decisions in the heat of passion and what do you know a life is created.
        Male bashing/female bashing isn’t gonna bring families together. You wanna have a sister moment tell ya girls pump ya breaks when the pity party starts. She picked him she gotta figure out why she picked them and not do it again.
        Bruh is wrong my mother isn’t disgusting, my wife isn’t disgusting, my friends who are single mothers aren’t disgusting. The attitude of blame somebody else for my own short commings is

  21. February 12, 2009 - Reply

    Excuse me for not catching that comment previously..thanks for pointing it out. Like I said, I rarely moderate comments and didn’t expect such abrasiveness out of this post in particular, but both of them, in their own way, are wrong. I don’t fault anyone for their preferences, but once you have to negate something/someone to justify the preference that’s when the issue arises.

    • February 12, 2009 - Reply

      @[fung'ke] [blak] [chik]

      This is a hot topic on both sides and all of us are damaged. Some of us just realise how to deal with it, the rest cause these huge blow ups that we have to deal with the fall out of.
      Black men black women, we come from each other. Either we deal with this issue or we pass it on to the next generation. And the fact that the media plays it as if it’s mainly a BLACK issue doesn’t help. I don’t deal in percentages because I know you only use a percentage when the actual number doesn’t look good for you: I mean whats bigger 90% of 45 or 30% of 180?

  22. February 13, 2009 - Reply

    I have seen in my own house the good and bad that comes from not having their father there.
    My oldest father put him on a doorstep and told me to come get him when he was to keep him for 3 months when I was going to Germany. He never looked back for 12 years. For 10 of those years my 2nd ex husband raised him, gave him his name PROMISED him he would always be there for him, that he would always be dad. Then when he remarried he now doesnt even acknowledge him. Has spoke to him 1 time in 4 years. At christmas he only sends his son a gift card. I usually hide it and give it to my youngest in private. His grades dropped in school when all of that went down, when he looked him in the face and said, “if my wife cant get along with you then, it will be hard to have you in my life” made it like it was his fault, he was just old enough to see bullshit when he saw it, was always respectful the couple times he met her. But she would always leave him behind and only take our son together out with her. Said that was MY son, not my ex’s because he didnt legally make him his. Just changed his name. My son is on the verge of flunking out, has abondonment issues. I have him in counseling. But until he gets some answers ANY answers he wont move forward from this, he feels he isnt worthy. Saying why doesnt anyone want to be my dad. Even though his real father is back in his life, in some ways he just dont trust it, if you left me once you will do it again is his attitude.
    Now I have always instilled in him how smart he is, how loved he is, how he can be anything he wants to be. How he should succeed in life in spite of them. But he is dealing with two black fathers leaving him.
    Then there is my oldest whom I have told the same things to. He is and honor roll student, in EVERY dam club you can find at school, but misses his dad. Longs for that love from him. He is even jealous no of the relationship his brother has with his biological father. But now when his brother goes to visit his dad, I make OUR time special, so lessen the blow. But he is determined to be something. While watching Tyler Perrys “Whats Done in the Dark” Meet the Browns, he said “mom that will be dad huh, he will try to be my dad when I become something. Im going to tell him its because of YOU I am who I am” (so smart at 13)
    So I have my two opposite bookends, one feeling like he isnt worthy and expects people to leave him and one that is like thats okay you dont have to love me…Im still going to be something.

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