Yesha Callahan

Preferences, Smeferences- We All Have Them


I swear  not a week goes by when I’m not called picky or superficial by friends or certain family members. No matter how much I explain to them that I have certain preferences that I like to adhere to, it’s always taken as a negative. They always want to throw comments back like, “Oh and that’s why you’re single now”, “How do you think you’ll ever find someone?” and the like.

I always wonder, why is it when a woman has preferences, she’s given the negative connotation of  being ‘picky’, but when a man states his preferences, they’re just that, his ‘preferences’.

I can’t help it that “some” of my preferences include men that:

  • are over 6’2
  • have a stable career
  • doesn’t lie through their teeth
  • have nice teeth (no one wants a snag-a-tooth)
  • are well groomed
  • isn’t passive/aggressive
  • has skin that doesn’t look like Laurence Fishbourne’s (craters are only good on the moon)
  • has a good relationship with their family
  • keeps a clean house
  • isn’t crazy (been there done the tshirt)
  • has a 401k and benefits
  • doesn’t look like Officer Rickkkkkkkkyyyyyyyyy aka Rick Ross (no one should be able to take the circumfernce of a stomach)

I truly don’t think I’m asking for much (well that’s the short list). What I’m saying is that everyone should have their short list & long list of things they look for in a potential partner.

Now where I’ve seen a lot of people fail (men & women) is when they look for the things they can’t offer themselves.

For example, if you’re a woman looking for a man with a 700+ FICO and yours is about 300, that definitely isn’t going to cut it.  The same goes for men. You say  you want a woman who’s a shapely size 6 & who works out, but some of yall are walking around looking like Officer Rickkkkkkkyyyyy (sorry I have 50 cent on my brain today).  I don’t see that balancing out, at all! I learned early on, never ask for anything that you’re not bringing to the table yourself. That goes for men and women.

What I will also say is that preferences aren’t something that’s necessarily written in stone. I’ve stood in the ‘concession stand line’ plenty of times.  I’ve made plenty of concessions when it came to men. There have been the ones with less than stellar credit, there have been the ones under 6’0 and even those who didn’t necessarily have perfect teeth, but they weren’t walking around  looking like the clown from “IT” either.  In life, I’ve learn that everything is about give & take.

So let’s talk about preferences, you’ve read some of mine, what are some of yours and what concessions have you made before?


  1. February 16, 2009 - Reply

    Ours are very similar… and since I dont think I’m picky… I dont think you’re picky either. I think the idea is to have your preferences but not be so gung-ho about them that you miss out on a good guy that might not fit them to the tee.
    I cant be lenient on the height thing though…lol

    • February 16, 2009 - Reply


      With the height, I can only be but so lenient at 5’10..6’0 is the bare minimum, but like I said, I’ve been flexible with that..I have an ex who’s 5’7..go figure.

  2. February 16, 2009 - Reply

    Ok, I am married, but I did have preferences. He had to be older than me, taller than me, nice set of teeth, and a career. My husband has all of those things.
    The receptionist at my old job use to always make jokes about the teeth thing. Someone ask me about the teeth thing one day and I laughed and she quickly cut in and said “Have you seen her husband teeth? They are perfect.” LMAO. I wasn’t compromising on that one.

    • February 16, 2009 - Reply


      LOL! See, I can just imagine your husband having perfect anchorman teeth!

  3. February 16, 2009 - Reply

    Nice point about women being “picky” and men “having preferences”.

    • February 16, 2009 - Reply

      @Kit (Keep It Trill)

      I’m glad I’m not the only one to notice the double standard when it comes to preferences! I think more women need to be a lot more picky. Imagine how many women we’ll save from the Maury Povich, “You Are/Not The Daddy” episodes!

      • February 16, 2009 - Reply

        @[fung'ke] [blak] [chik]

        Yeah, especially in reproduction.

      • February 17, 2009 - Reply

        @[fung'ke] [blak] [chik]

        It’s only a double standard if you give it weight. Women have always been picky the only people who have a problem with it are other women. Thats why guys are known to be persistant and try to win your hearts, anybody who acts like women aren’t expected to be picky either never heard a fairy tale(he was always Prince Charming, The frog Prince, the Knight in shining armor), nor have they seen a movie(the damsel in distress is save by the HERO rarely the sidekick), or read a book.
        This is another one of those somebody trying to thin out the competition is trying to throw the men under the bus routines. Women being “picky” is not a problem (for the men)because if you chose me that means I’m special. But to another woman that means if in her own insecurities she feels she does not measure up to you, not only are you stiff competition you’ll probably win.

  4. February 16, 2009 - Reply

    I don’t think there is anything wrong with preferences. Having “preferences” means that you know what you want!!! Everyone has them whether they want to admit them or not. If someone doesn’t meet the criteria then they just aren’t for you and it’s no ones fault it’s just the way it is. There is someone for everyone!!!!! you might even meet someone who doesn’t have all your preferences but enough to be what you want. there is room for flexibility sometimes 🙂

    • February 17, 2009 - Reply


      Flexibility is the key!

  5. February 17, 2009 - Reply

    There is nothing wrong with being picky. Everyone has the right to want what they want. Just remember you are never to old for your wants to hurt you.

    • February 17, 2009 - Reply


      You sound like my time you offered your two sense to the convo. But I think I’d rather be hurt by a preference than to be hurt by a concession.

  6. February 17, 2009 - Reply

    I’ve learned that getting stuck on preferences can severely stunt the progress of God’s work. I believe he has someone out there meant for me…and if I place blinders on otherwise known as “preferences”…I may miss my blessing.

    • February 17, 2009 - Reply


      I think God is well aware of ‘preferences’ and wouldn’t put someone in front of you who doesn’t meet your own criteria…lol

      • February 17, 2009 - Reply

        @[fung'ke] [blak] [chik]

        I still believe that we don’t always KNOW what’s best for us. Wanting and needing are 2 different things. I thought you knew that Ms Edumacated Fung Ke One? LMAO

        • February 17, 2009 - Reply


          I wish ppl would stop thinking they don’t always know what’s best for them..if you don’t know..who else will?

          • February 17, 2009 - Reply

            @[fung'ke] [blak] [chik]

            There’s a difference between knowing what you want for yourself and THINKING you know better than what God knows. If I were handing over my interests to another man, I’d agree with your statement, but since I’m speaking of GOD having a bigger and better plan for me…I beg to differ.

            • February 17, 2009 - Reply


              But I also believe that, you just can’t sit around and wait for a plan to happen, you have to plant your own seeds as well.

              • February 17, 2009 - Reply

                @[fung'ke] [blak] [chik]

                Now, that I agree with. Just as long as your planting seeds doesn’t get in the way of what’s already growing in God’s garden.

  7. February 17, 2009 - Reply

    Your allowed to be picky, thats called being human it’s whether or not you are being realistic. If you cannot give what you are getting thats not being realistic.
    I think you are mixing a few things together:what somebody else says about your relationship status has less to do with you and more to do with how they relate what your doing to how it shines on them. If they know the guy they are with ain exactly making their socks roll up and down, and is barely qualifying as a bed warmer you holding out for what you want makes them look shallow not you. If all he had was the benjamins, but didn’t understand commitment isn’t just something you do when you jump in the air after picking up your dribble yeah ain you their mad at.
    So since you IMPLIED(cause your kinda vague about what your giving for what your wanting in your short list) you were willing to give as good as you got in your preferences nothing wrong with them. Besides anybody trying to hook you up to get brownie points with somebody else needs to be reminded your aren’t the prized Mule(don’t know the tenor of this site so just mentally switch in the 3 letter equivalent) and will not be bartered as such.

  8. February 17, 2009 - Reply

    LOL @ prized mule! I know that’s right! I also completely agree with you when you said..”has less to do with you and more to do with how they relate what your doing to how it shines on them. If they know the guy they are with ain exactly making their socks roll up and down, and is barely qualifying as a bed warmer you holding out for what you want makes them look shallow not you..”..
    Most of these people who tell me this are the ones who either aren’t happy in their relationship, or is single themselves.

  9. February 17, 2009 - Reply

    I don’t think you’re being picky at all. It’s extremely important for women to have preferences. Like you mentioned before, men surely do, and they don’t mind picking women apart when they don’t meet their preferences. Your list is similar to mine execept for height preference. I’m 5’5″ and would love to have a tall guy envelope me, but then my mom sat me down a said “a man is 6’0 tall when he stands on his money.” Point taken. Teeth are important too!

    • February 18, 2009 - Reply


      your mother sounds a lot like mine! lol

  10. February 17, 2009 - Reply

    Hey Love, long time!
    My preferences are, taller than me, not too skinny, can hold a good convo and are intellectually curious (would love a guy who knows more than me), has a life, (a car would be a huge plus!), handsome and not cocky, faithful and thoughtful o and love Jesus!!

    • February 18, 2009 - Reply


      Yes, it has been a long time 🙂
      Well a car isn’t my # 1 preference, only b/c of the area I live in, it’s understandable for people to depend on the Metro…and plus being from the NJ area, I didn’t have a car until I was 21/22…so I was a train/bus person.

  11. February 18, 2009 - Reply

    You know, your list is pretty reasonable. I actually don’t think you are asking for all that much. You basically just said you want someone you’re physically attractive to, has some morals, and has a stable employment situation. I can rock with that. I’m 6’1 though…might not make the

    • February 18, 2009 - Reply

      @Slim Jackson

      …but there’s the whole ‘stay away from royal purple & gold rule’ I have…LMAO!

  12. February 20, 2009 - Reply

    I see nothing wrong with your list. High up on my list is beautiful teeth…I said it before that beautiful teeth will cause a party in panties before a guy’s face will. He has to be taller than me when I put on my 5 inch heels, so about 5’11. He has to have some type of goals and is passionate about something. He has to be a man of God and honest, faithful and kind. I think that’s it.
    I think I’ve found that person, so we’ll see how it goes.

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