Yesha Callahan

Keeping It On The Down Low

lowdownOnDL

Here in the DC area, most people have heard about the statistics in regards to the ‘down-low’ men. You know, the men, who date women, but also like to have their prostate tickled by a penis as well. No, I’m not talking about bi-sexual men, who are open about their bisexuality; I’m talking about those men who choose not to tell women that they enjoy the occasional prostate stimulation of another man, or stimulating a man’s prostate themselves.  

I see nothing wrong in being gay or bi-sexual. I don’t care if a man/woman wants to marry/f*ck/date another man or a woman. What I do take issue with is the men who neglect to let a woman know that they like to dip their stick in a man’s ass occasionally.

Up until recently I didn’t know of anyone who was leading a ‘double’ life and being on the ‘down-low’. But then I accidentally found out about an associate of mine, who I know lives his life out in the open as a man who strictly dates women.  That was until I happened upon his email (long story) and noticed his subscription to a gay dating site for men.

For a second I was shocked, but then like a puzzle, the pieces of his story actually came together. Our mutual friends all knew he would go out on dates with women, but none of us ever remember him being in an actual relationship with a female. We all knew he was a little ‘extra’ at times when it came to his personality, but we chalked it up to him being in the entertainment/media business. What was even shocking was to read his “type” of man he was looking for. Considering that he’s quite masculine in his looks, we never suspected him to be the ‘bottom’ brother, in search of another masculine man. I guess he’s the quintessential ‘homo-thug’?

In any event, I doubt I’ll ever say anything to him about this information I happened upon, because it’s really none of my business. But he has one more time to ask if I have any girlfriends to hook him up with, because then I’ll have to tell him about himself.

If you found out a friend was on the ‘down-low’ would you confront them about it? Why/Why not?

  1. June 22, 2009 - Reply

    For me, the key word here is friend. If it's a friend, yes I would say something because that person would probably hear me and possibly be led to make a change. If it's an acquaintance, I probably wouldn't say anything, not because I don't care, but because I think it would fall on deaf ears.
    Seriously, I have a problem with it, but I don't know why? It's something I still have to sort out. I don't know if it's just because he's lying, could transfer hiv/aids if he's having unprotected sex, or hiding. I also wonder if I would be just as concerned if it was a female friend?

  2. June 22, 2009 - Reply

    Damn right I would confront them. Considering the fact that HIV has taken on a new face and now is running RAMPANT among African American women, I would tell him and his lover/wife if he didn't. It's one thing to "do your thing" but if the consequences could mean the life and death of someone else than the other person needs to know. If the woman knows and is okay with it, then that's another story, but its the sneakiness that is so offensive to me.

  3. June 23, 2009 - Reply

    I know plenty of Gay and Bi people. They ain't ashamed of it. They don't go around parading it but they're not ashamed of it.
    Personally, I say whatever floats your boat. But if you gonna do what you do sexually, let somebody know how you roll because they may not WANT that. Considering how rapidly STD's are spreading, especially among black people, you need to be as honest as you can be with folks you're sexing.
    If it was a friend of mine or a family member who was dealing with somebody who's leading a double life, I'd tell that OTHER person "You tell them…or I will". ..and I'd make it known I wasn't playin, either.

  4. June 23, 2009 - Reply

    Interesting prediciment indeed.

  5. June 23, 2009 - Reply

    Um, I want to use this post instead…lol…seriously, I really do so lemme know…

  6. June 22, 2009 - Reply

    Maybe I shouldn't have worded it as 'friend' more so an associate/acquaintance…his flakiness is the reason why I wouldn't give him a 'friend' status.

    I don't think women have the need to be on the 'dl' as much as men, and their pride issue and also how homophobic some communities are towards gay men.

  7. June 22, 2009 - Reply

    Exactly @ the sneakiness! Fine, go ahead and lie to yourself, but don't pull other people into your web of lies. People deserve options and dl men are not giving that option to women.

  8. June 22, 2009 - Reply

    I don't think I could ever say anything to him & if he does happen to read this, I'm sure he'll never admit to reading it, either.

  9. June 22, 2009 - Reply

    No problem! I swear you need to have your wife set up a blog too..lol

  10. June 23, 2009 - Reply

    i don't know if i would ever confront the person. but that movie preview is deep. i got a couple of issues with it though. i think its misleading. makes it seem like most of these men are targeted by other men which i don't always think is the case. not that they go looking for it, but i don't think they are necessarily so blatantly targeted. but the whole thing about it happening only once…um…yeah. i don't buy that either.

  11. June 23, 2009 - Reply

    ''Personally, I say whatever floats your boat. But if you gonna do what you do sexually, let somebody know how you roll because they may not WANT that.''
    so true.. imagine if it was you… you would want to know.. even on a 'he is cheating on you' basis…
    i would confront the d/l… if they then didn't do the honourable thing i would go straight to the wife/lover…
    i could then leave it at that…. both parties would know… and i could leave them to deal with it…

  12. June 23, 2009 - Reply

    This is interesting.

    I know this article particularly targets 'd/l' men, however surely it should apply just as much to those men who sleep with women aswell? You mentioned in your article that he often dated, but was never in a relationship? As long as he isn't sleeping with men behind a womans back, and he is being 'safe' then I don't see that it's anyones business. This wouldn't be so much of an issue if it were a guy going on date after date (with women exclusively) and sleeping with some/all of them.

    A number of my gay friends lived this sort oflife before they 'came out'. I'll admit I even did it once (and I know your all probably rolling your eyes saying 'oh yeah' but it was once). I don't want to use the 'it's the fault of society' excuse', because it's not and everyone is responsible for their own actions, but the fear of 'coming out' often makes men see this as their only choice (i don't agree but i'm just pointing it out).

    I think the issue here is: if a guy (or woman) is in a relationship and sleeping with someone else (regardless of sex) then it is wrong. However, if they choose to sleep with the opposite sex (openly) and the same sex (on the d/l), as long as they're safe and the the two partners are not concurrent then it is nobody else's business.

    [sorry for the essay lol]

  13. June 23, 2009 - Reply

    LMAO @ “dip his stick”…why is that so funny to me? I'm so immature—sorry. Ahhh, I knew of a friend like this. Oh wait—I dated him. He revealed to me of his “past”. And while I refused to go any futher with him, I kept him as a friend. Until I overheard him calling his so called homeboy “baby”. I gave him the side eye. He left. We haven't spoken since then. Had he not seen me, would I have confronted? Probably. Especially if emotions are at stake. I think if two people are romantically (hell, and physically) involved, you kinda owe it to them to let them know about your sexaul orientation. It's a health thing too, ya know….good post, sis. Rock on!

  14. June 23, 2009 - Reply

    The whole DL phenomenon scares the mess out of me! I understand that society puts such a stigma on homosexuality, but that doesn't give anyone the right not to be honest with their partners. Once you decide to be physical with someone, you have a moral responsibility to be completely honest with that other person.

    That's the problem, people no longer have morals! UGH. I'm gonna stop now, before I go on a rant. lol

  15. June 23, 2009 - Reply

    I already have confronted the two down-low men when I found out what they were doing. I get along with women well and hang out with some sweet, fine sisters. These two guys are good looking and have good jobs and all that. What I confronted them about was using my female friends present a front of being a strong black man who only dated women but then putting their main attention to other guys, numerous other guys.

    Because we were friends, I thought I could confront them, tell them to stop playing with my friends emotions, but the main thing is that they didn't like being found out. We don't talk anymore.

  16. June 23, 2009 - Reply

    He Probably won't even know it's about him, anyway.

  17. June 24, 2009 - Reply

    I doubt I'll ever confront him, but of course it'll always be in the back of my mind…I'm just glad I never introduced him to my sister.

    It never only happens once…that's the oldest lie in the book.

  18. June 24, 2009 - Reply

    If I was in the same predicament and didn't know a man I was dealing with was on the DL, I would hope someone who knew, would tell me…esp. if they're someone who has my best interests in mind.

  19. June 24, 2009 - Reply

    You are right, it should apply to both situations. I've been in predicaments where I found out I wasn't the only woman, involved with a man, and I wished someone would have told me that information.

    I definitely understand the stigma/fear that's attached to coming out, so I do see why someone would do certain things. But, on the other hand, 'staying in' doesn't necessarily mean you have to decieve other people, either.

  20. June 24, 2009 - Reply

    Well shoot, I wrote it..so there goes my sign of maturity lol…

    It is definitely a health thing…esp. with the rise of STDs.

  21. June 24, 2009 - Reply

    Morals? What's that.

    The end..lol

  22. June 24, 2009 - Reply

    No one likes being found out..whether they're gay or straight…when ppl are caught with their hand in the proverbial cookie jar…they never have anything to say.

  23. June 24, 2009 - Reply

    Personally I feel the entire ideology of the Down Low brotha goes against everything that the monicker stands up for. Their whole thing is, they are not gay. They are still men, this – that and the third. But in my mind, a real man can stand up and admit what he is. Like another commenter mentioned prior, if you are gay that's fine. If you are bi, that's fine, “Whatever floats your boat” (truer words have not been spoken). But only a punk (a stereotypical overgeneralized term used to describe gay men, go figure), would like to have a physical relationship with both men and women, yet hide his same-sex preferences for the sake of his good name. Completely disregarding a woman's right to choose, thus risking her livelihood thru this association. The whole thing is insanity to me. The sociologist in me finally made me read J.L. King's book last year, to try and gain something close to understanding and I get it (to a very, very miniscule degree), but it's not a strong enough arguement, at the same time. IMO

    To the question you posed, if it's one thing any of my friends or associates know about me, it's that I'm not one for mincing words. I'm not rude or over the top, but if I have an opinion on something and it's asked for (or forced), I'm going to give it. Now I'm not sure of how you came across the email from this guy, so that could go a way into deciding the “proper” angle for addressing it. I mean only the almighty can judge, BUT, this lifestyle is so dangerous and out of hand… I don't know. It may warrant your making your opinion known. Then again, u know better than we, how he may react, so I don't know.

    :: blessings ::

  24. June 24, 2009 - Reply

    I would 'casually' talk (while he was around) about how so many people don't log out on their e-mail when they are using another person's computer and how this leads to the discovery of information. He would know you know and you wouldn't have to say anything more. Now, if he was trying to hook up with one of my girls – his azz would be out on front street immejeetly! LOL!!! It's okay to be who you are if you aren't putting others in jeopardy – I have no tolerance for liars.

  25. June 25, 2009 - Reply

    Hi there!

    I have known a few brothas who were on the down low…

    I didn't bust them out to other women because I am not the “Down Low” police for all black women in America.

    Those sistas who choose to give their bodies to a man assume FULL responsibility for checking him out before hitting the sheets.

    Each sistas must have her OWN vetting process in place to weed out the okey doke and the deceptions.

    It's not MY responsibility to put a brotha on blast who's on the DL.

    Each woman needs to do her own homework and use wisdom and discernment before getting sexually involved with a man.

    Peace, blessings and DUNAMIS!
    Lisa

  26. July 2, 2009 - Reply

    I sooooo feel you about the sneakiness. But I must ask you a serious question. Is it that DL men are pulling other people into their web of lies? Or is it that society pulls masculine homosexual men into a web of outward heteronormative expression?

    How many times have straight women found out that an attractive, masculine, Christian man was gay — only to say, “what a waste?”

    How many times has an attractive, masculine, Christian man been asked, “You a smart, good-lookin fella? Why aren't you married? Men like you are SUPPOSED to father children and raise up strong Black families?”

    Do you even realize the external pressure — the web of heterosexual socialization — that straight Black society put on men to have a woman in their lives?? If you never thought about it … then think about it.

    I am an attractive, masculine, Christian, pedegreed African-American man. I don't announce my sexuality, because it's no one's business. Likewise, I have NEVER dishonestly pulled a woman into my life to have a “cover girl.” However, my honest has COST me.

    There are SO many opportunities awaiting me if I just adopt a girlfriend: they include certain corporate positions, advanced standing in my Church community, and leadership roles in the extended Black community. However, I forfeit each and every one of these BECAUSE I won't be dishonest.

    So before any reader glibly says a man should never go on the DL, think about the climate of expectations they create which forces so many same-sex attracted men to create such a “web of lies.”

    Peace
    E-RED

  27. July 4, 2009 - Reply

    I would say something. Silence leads to ignorance.

  28. July 10, 2009 - Reply

  29. July 22, 2009 - Reply

    Scary Stuff && Of course it's gotta be in my area. =( I love the DMV but this kind of stuff is making me wanna go elsewhere. Rising HIV/AIDS rates, DL brothas… not cool.

    Well in response to the question. It would depend on how well I knew the person AND if I knew of any women he was dating. If he had a girl and I happened to know her, I would definitely confront him and let him know that if he hasn't already, he needs to fill her in. If she was a friend of mine, I'd tell him that he had 24hrs to tell her or else I'm telling her myself. But if I didn't know him that well I would probably not say anything because that's his business and if he didn't tell me I suppose I had no business knowing. but if a friend became interested in them, i'd have to warn her. I wouldn't put him on blast unless necessary.

  30. September 1, 2009 - Reply

    I'm on the down low, read my blog mydownlowlife.blogspot.com
    It's about my affair with a top married hip hop artist. He wants me to join him in a threesome with another woman–do I indulge him? Come find out.

    As to the question in your post, no, I am not the one to bust anyone out. That is between the parties in the relationship, and no one else's business.

    I'm glad I found this site. I Love It!!

    Katlynne LaSalle aka ms downlow
    mydownlowlife.blogspot.com

  31. September 1, 2009 - Reply

    I'm on the down low, read my blog mydownlowlife.blogspot.com
    It's about my affair with a top married hip hop artist. He wants me to join him in a threesome with another woman–do I indulge him? Come find out.

    As to the question in your post, no, I am not the one to bust anyone out. That is between the parties in the relationship, and no one else's business.

    I'm glad I found this site. I Love It!!

    Katlynne LaSalle aka ms downlow
    mydownlowlife.blogspot.com

  32. November 5, 2009 - Reply

    WOW This is the BEST post ever and should be sent to all DL 'men' ( I use that word loosely)
    The guy obviously have issues with himself and putting lives at wrist by messing with woman who have no clue about his hidden lifestyle. He need o be put on blast to warn the locals lol

  33. November 5, 2009 - Reply

    WOW This is the BEST post ever and should be sent to all DL 'men' ( I use that word loosely)
    The guy obviously have issues with himself and putting lives at wrist by messing with woman who have no clue about his hidden lifestyle. He need o be put on blast to warn the locals lol

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