Yesha Callahan

Dear Aunt Flo, I Hate You!

aunt_flo

In the 5th grade at Hurden Looker Elementary School, in Hillside, NJ, I remember during recess I was sitting with a couple of girls just talking and joking around. One of my friends decided to let everyone see what was in her purse (yeah a 5th grader with a purse), and to my amazement shehad tampons! When the rest of our friends noticed them, the conversation shifted from boys to having a ‘period’. At that point, I had no desire to join in on the conversation because  A) I didn’t have my period and  B) I thought it was disgusting. I remember asking them wouldn’t they rather play hopscotch instead. They looked at me as though I was a leper because I told them I hadn’t gotten my period. I figured a bunch of them were lying about it anyways.

Fast forward to 10th grade at Elizabeth High School, in Elizabeth, NJ. This scene takes place in the girls locker room after swimming class. Once again, some chick decides to talk about her period. As I’m sitting there drying my hair, I’m wondering why do women just randomly bring up their period. Once again, I had nothing to offer to the conversation, because I didn’t get mine yet and I couldn’t have been any happier.

Senior year at Elizabeth High School, and we’re on the bus back from a track meet. More period talk. Guess what people, I couldn’t offer anything to that conversation either. Super plus, wings, extra thick pads and tampons were not in my vocabulary. By now I figured, I wasn’t missing out on anything. Here I was 17 years old, didn’t have to worry about having cramps, carrying around tampons & maxi pads, I wasn’t complaining. 

A few weeks after high school graduation, I started my freshman year in college at Rutgers University, Rutgers College. I was happy to be away from home, freedom was my best friend. Everything was going smoothly until one morning I woke up in a pool of blood. Yeah, nasty I know. I must have uttered about every curse word there was, in every language I knew. I had no warnings signs, no cramps, no bloating, Aunt Flo just popped up out of no where! I knew it was going to happen eventually, but could a sista get a warning??

Fifteen years later, I still hate my period. 

Every month, it’s like someone parted my internal Red Sea and that shit turns into Niagara Falls. The last week of every month is my most hated time of the month. 7 whole days! My purse is filled with ULTRA absorbency OB tampons, I think I’m solely responsible for keeping that company in business, because they’re the only brand that actually won’t have me leaking every where. I tend to buy at least 5 boxes of 40 at a time, because it’s hard to find the ultra absorbency in the stores any more. 

Dear OB Ultra Absorbency Tampons:

You are my life saver.

Sincerely,

A chick who bleeds

I swear one day I’m going to send their company that email. I’m sure that would garner me a life time supply.

I know there are ways to prevent having such long & heavy cycles, but I refuse to take birth control pills. I think I’d rather deal with bleeding for 7 days, than to possibly have to deal with random blood clots and potential death. Every time I get the idea to possibly pay a visit to my gynecologist for some, I see a commercial and the potential side effects that they speed talk through at the end, just turn me off from the idea.

Along with having to deal with a period, I’m sure every woman has one of those “embarrassing moment” stories. My most recent one happened a few months back while I was staying at HWSRN’s (he who shall remain nameless) house. This was one of the rare instances where I didn’t have my handy dandy OB Ultra absorbency tampons at my disposal. I had some other brand which I will not dare to mention. Well, damn, I might as well. TAMPAX PEARL, I HATE YOU, with all of the hate I can muster up. Even on your ‘super absorbency’ good day, you’ll never compare to OB! It was Tampax’s and my heavy ass period’s fault that I bled all over HWSRN’s bed! It was Tampax’s and my heavy ass period’s fault that when I rushed to the bathroom in the middle of the night, I left spots of blood on his brand new light tan carpet. It was Tampax’s and my heavy ass period’s fault that HWSRN called me the next afternoon cursing because he had to get down on his knees and scrub his carpet. So yeah, that was my most recent embarrassing moment and HWSRN will never forget it or let me forget it either.

So as you can tell I hate my period.

I’d really like to punch Eve in her mouth right about now, because I blame that bitch for making Adam eat the apple. I think if Adam wouldn’t have bit the apple, god wouldn’t have laid upon women this bloody curse! 

Considering at this moment, I’m on day 3 of 7, I’m a cranky and bloated. What I will say is that, I’ve never had to deal with cramps, so I guess that’s a good thing. But trying to squeeze into my size 10 skinny jeans, just ain’t happening. I swear, if by the time in 35, and I’m either not married, or have found a potential sperm donor at the clinic, I’m seriously contemplating getting everything removed. I mean it makes no sense to have it, if it’s not being put to use.

So anyways, that’s the end of my Aunt Flo rant. I’m sure I’ve shared way too much information. Let me go & change this OB ULTRA Absorbency tampon, before I have an accident (LMAO). Feel free to share any embarrassing stories in the comment section below, also men, I know yall have some too, from either a wife or a girlfriend.

 

 


  1. April 29, 2009 - Reply

    TMI!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! LOL

  2. April 29, 2009 - Reply

    Sister, I feel your pain. I'm a 7-8 day, Super Plus chick myself. BC pills make me crazy so I just have to deal with it. But I'm thankful everytime I get it, cuz it means I won't be popping out any offspring in 9 months or so.

    Here's my favorite peroid related video: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gwKTSRae-SI (Dang, now I'ma have it stuck in my head AGAIN for the next 3 days.)

  3. April 29, 2009 - Reply

    Oh my!!! I'm embarrassed for you!! I make sure I'm prepare when it's that time when I sleep over, and over stock. And I'm just like you, if I'm not married or had another child by 35 it is going to be removed. I have the wrost cramps, bloating and other TMI side effects. Don't do birth control either, makes me crazy, the hormones are ridiculous.

  4. April 29, 2009 - Reply

    Oh please, I've shared worst w/you! lol

  5. April 29, 2009 - Reply

    OMG, that is going to be sent to all of my guy friends! LMAO! CLASSIC!!

    Yes, I am thankfully for just that one reason!

  6. April 29, 2009 - Reply

    I'm hormonal as it is, I don't want any more hormones circulating through my body. Also, those pills that stop your period, just doesn't seem natural! Then a friend told me about some IUD mess, HELL NO!

  7. April 29, 2009 - Reply

    Wait, you were able to go 17 + years without a period??? Are u frikken kiding me? I got mine at age 11. I would have been better able to deal with it at 17 but 11? LOL, I want u to stop complaining right this instant. Sign off immediately and go somewhere to thank your lucky stars that u got out of 5 or 6 years of leakage, bloating, cramps…WE WONT EVEN TALK ABOUT THE TEASING BECAUSE OF “PERIOD ACNE” and other adolescent embarrasment…now there!

    Hmpf!

  8. April 29, 2009 - Reply

    Oh and I might add that I am considering endometrial ablation because all the ob super plus absorbency tampons coupled with overnight maxi's dont do even jack shit for me. Its so bad that I am on the verge of having to wear depends when that bitch visits…thats why I hate her ass too.

  9. April 29, 2009 - Reply

    Girl, my younger sisters got their period before I did..lol! I would tease them all the time..but I blame it on the fact that I was somewhat of an athlete in highschool and worked out a lot, so who knows..maybe that had something to do with it. But shit, I get all of that stuff now, w/ adult period acne…I'm forever battling random breakouts b/c of it!

    I have a little cousin who was 9 when she got hers, I felt so bad for her..lol.

    I've heard about ablation therapy…but I'm still not sure about having another child or not…and if I'm not mistaken, after you have that, you can't..but I could be wrong.

  10. April 29, 2009 - Reply

    Ewwww! (laughter) I repeat……EEWWWWWWWWWWWW! I really do enjoy the frankness of your writing but EWWWWWW!
    Love Your Brotha in Blogdom!
    Mista Jaycee

  11. April 29, 2009 - Reply

    I couldn't help but write about this today, I've had this topic in my head for months now…lol…sorry to “ewwwwwww” you..LMAO! BTW…my award post will be up on Fri 🙂

  12. April 29, 2009 - Reply

    ROFL! I got mine at 12…talk about traumatic. What's even worse is I'm starting to enter perimenopause which can last up to 10 years. This is a totally different ball of wax, I thought I was losing my friggin' mind!

  13. April 29, 2009 - Reply

    DOC! I can't believe you wrote this shit! LMAOOOOOO

    I got mine @12 and it wasn't that bad. It actually has been an infrequent lil thing…starting from back then. Every other month on the dot. Then as I got older, with stress and weight fluctuation…I got to a point where I bled everyday for almost 3 years. Some days it was heavy and some days it wasn't. Went to the doctor and they said I was fine, save for a slight hormone imbalance to be corrected with birth control. Didn't do it then, but a few years ago I decided to go for it and lets just say, I came right off that shit. It made me sick. So eff it. I'm 36…no kids…no hope in sight of ever having any…eff it. Right about now…I'm content with the every 3-6 month visits I get. Until someone says the word tumor or fibroid or cyst or something…I'm not worried.

    Thank God for that…

  14. April 29, 2009 - Reply

    I was there, remember? I can relate… Didn't get mine until 14 so I also kept quiet when all those girls would talk about tampons and stuff. I also remember being scared of “toxic shock syndrome.” Didn't use a tampon until I was in college. lol

  15. April 29, 2009 - Reply

    I have to admit since having a full hysto and NOT having her for 9 years…I LOVE IT…I dont care to ever see that bitch again…I had my tubes tied first and loved i didnt have to take the pill no more.

    Thankfully I never had any embarrassing moments….but dam I feel your HWSRN.

    Mental Note to You: Dont commit crime last week of month while wearing Tampax

    you will leave your DNA behind…

  16. April 29, 2009 - Reply

    You know, you're a bold sista to put that out on the web…but I truly feel ya…

  17. April 30, 2009 - Reply

    In my head I thought i was the only one going through it. The cramps heavy bleeding I can't take it any more.

  18. April 30, 2009 - Reply

    I am on my 24th year of getting my period (not including that one year that I was pregnant and damn that makes me sound old) and it still grosses me out almost every month.

  19. April 30, 2009 - Reply

    there aren't too many things that I won't write about..lol

  20. April 30, 2009 - Reply

    You are definitely not the only one.

  21. April 30, 2009 - Reply

    I have a coworker who is trying to convince me that having a period isn't as bad as you get older…she's about 50-something. When I'm 50-something (I'm 32 now), I'll be damned if I have to go through this.

  22. April 30, 2009 - Reply

    I hate my period also it lasts for about 7-8 days. My younger cousin thinks that crazy that my period last so long when hers is only 3or 4 days with no cramping or pms. I've had it like that since I was 11 when I got it for the first time at school in gym lol But I'm scary of tampons tried them once and never will again.

  23. April 30, 2009 - Reply

    Perimenopause? Huh? (runs to google that)…lol

  24. April 30, 2009 - Reply

    Hmmm..bleeding everyday and they said you were fine? Uh..something doesn't sound right. I refuse to risk any other health issues that could arise b/c of BC, I have enough things to deal with and coping with R.A.

  25. April 30, 2009 - Reply

    I'm so jealous! Have you had any complications since having a full hysto? Did it bring on early menopause?

  26. April 30, 2009 - Reply

    My younger sister brags that hers only lasts about 3 days at the most. Some people are just that lucky, unfortunately I see, that's not that case w/you & myself. Tampons are the best thing next to sliced bread..lol

  27. April 30, 2009 - Reply

    i don't want to be that bitch that tells you she only has her period for 2 days WITHOUT the use of the birth control pills, but damnit, i've paid my dues so yea… i'm that chick that only gets her period for 2 days without the use of birth control pills.

    having said that, my guts are on FIRE for 2 days. cramps? CONTRACTIONS.

    🙂 and thanks for this post. i recently took some guff for discussing the bleeding during miscarriage, TABU, I KNOW… ughhhhhhhh.

  28. April 30, 2009 - Reply

    A while after I got married I got an IUD and stopped taking birth control pills… I thought the damn thing had malfunctioned and poked a hole through my uterus or something, but it turns out I had just forgotten what a real period was like (and also what it was like having one EVERY month *sigh*)
    I used to like these things called Instead, which give you half a day of pretending you aren't on your period at all, punctuated by an awkward moment of extracting a tiny plastic cup of horror our of yourself every 12 hours or so. But the rest of the time you can wear white pants and dance around and pretty much not worry because it's like a little Hoover dam in there

  29. April 30, 2009 - Reply

    See, I don't do pain well at all! Cramps that feel like contractions?? Contractions were bad enough during the birth of my son, but to have that feeling for two days in a row?? I'll gladly bleed profusely for 7 days..lol!

  30. April 30, 2009 - Reply

    Ironic for you to mention Instead. Yesterday while I was re-stocking my supply of tampons at CVS, I told myself that I would try Instead, but of course there weren't any left in stock! The pharmacist said they've been selling pretty fast. I may have to give that a try, but for some reason pulling a cup out, seems quite messy?

  31. April 30, 2009 - Reply

    It is … I guess the tradeoff is you only have to do it like, twice a day. I actually never saw them at a store, I'd buy them online by the case

  32. April 30, 2009 - Reply

    I feel your pain! My period lasts for 7 days..ON BC and everytime I get it I think that I am hemmoraging to death. Not to mention I want to kick my husband in the head when he asks me what's wrong with me. I feel like a monster is inside me chewing on my ovaries, that's what's wrong!

  33. May 1, 2009 - Reply

    Picking myself up off of the floor after LMAO just long enough to type a comment. I don't want to be laughing at your misfortune, but DAMN!!

    A few weeks ago I gave away these Celebration Boxes on my blog. They are these decorated boxes filled with all this wonderful stuff to help little girls welcome their first period. It went over very well. I thought of the boxes when I read your post…but serioulsly, girl … the box wouldn't do a damn thing for that Nile River flow of yours. And the way the arrival of your Aunt Flo went down, you'd be well within your rights to take the box and hurl it across the room.

    I can feel the Depends comment. I have a girlfriend with a very heavy flow who I've gone on Depend runs with. She curses Eve as well. I'm emailing her your post. You are not alone

  34. May 1, 2009 - Reply

    ….and WHERE did you find that freaky drawing of “Aunt Flo?” LMAO again!!!!

  35. May 2, 2009 - Reply

    The photo is courtesy of google images…it never ceases to amaze me how many crazy images are out there!

    I remember getting a box like that in middle school!! But damn, it did me no good back then..b/c I was a late bloomer..lol! My grandmother used to tease me by asking if I'd want to borrow one of her depends..lol

  36. May 2, 2009 - Reply

    Well I'm definitely going to invest in a box and try it out! Thanks for the recommendation!

  37. May 2, 2009 - Reply

    girl tell it! i mean before i started my new job — Aunt Flo hadn't showed up and she had plenty of time to show up prior to me starting. 48 hours before showtime she shows up — why now? Bloated out of my mind, thank goodness I can zip skirt suit. Being bloated is just blah… life looses all relevance and meaning.

  38. May 5, 2009 - Reply

    I'm with you. Eve needs a Togaloo, Missississippi ASS whooping! I actually wrote bout this a while back. I'm getting a female gang 2gether. We rolling out at midnight in all black timbs and we gon find Eve and GO TO TOWN on her!

    Here's the post http://www.awesomelyluvvie.com/2008/12/fighting

  39. May 6, 2009 - Reply

    Are you sneaking into Atlanta and buying all the ob ultra absorbents? 'Cause I swear I can never find them when I need them!! LOL

  40. May 7, 2009 - Reply

    It always comes at the most inopportune times!

  41. May 7, 2009 - Reply

    I will gladly take part in that gang!

  42. May 7, 2009 - Reply

    LOL! yeah I have a friend ship them to me..lol

  43. August 22, 2009 - Reply

    Super funny post. lol. I'm happy to see that I wasn't the only late bloomer. I got my period when I was 17, and I thought I was the last chick on earth to get it. lol

    I've had more embarrassing period moments, than I'd care to mention. The worst was at a gospel concert & the artist was singing a song entitled, “Nothing But the Blood” and when I stood up, there was nothing but blood in my seat…and I was wearing khakis! It was terrible. I have the greatest friends ever. They all stood around me & pretended as if I caught the holy ghost. I will never forget that.

    I have never tried OB Ultra Absorbency, but Kotex Security Super Plus is my best friend. lol

  44. December 25, 2009 - Reply

    Your co-worker is full of shit. I am 38 now and “Aunt Flo” is a lot WORSE now than it was when I was younger. If I ever find that Mother Nature-person, I am going to show her what it's like to bleed!! lol

  45. December 25, 2009 - Reply

    Your co-worker is full of shit. I am 38 now and “Aunt Flo” is a lot WORSE now than it was when I was younger. If I ever find that Mother Nature-person, I am going to show her what it's like to bleed!! lol

  46. July 7, 2013 - Reply

    Oh my god your story sounds almost identical to mine!! It’s so comforting to know someone else has gone through this Aunt Flo HELL. She either comes unexpectedly catching you off guard or comes sooo late that you think you’ve missed her, dare to breathe a sigh of relief then the bitch slaps you back to reality to remind you she’s arrived!!
    I’m having issues with dear old Aunt Flo at the moment as I’m going on holiday in 4 days for 2 weeks. Like you I don’t wanna take tablets that can cause death! So I have to suffer the heinous bitch on my holidays.
    I fucking hate you Aunt Flo. Die.
    Thanks for sharing with a fellow sufferer!
    X

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