During my daily commute to work this morning, I was reminded by my friend that today is Valentines Day. With everything that has been going on recently, it’s definitely been the farthest thing from my mind. But, then again, I can’t remember the last time I’ve actually “celebrated” Valentines Day.
In elementary school we always had to participate in passing out those little one sided cards and eat those chalky tasting “be mine” candies. I remember one VDay in particular, I wasn’t in the best of moods and didn’t want to participate, so I wrote “special” little messages on my Bugs Bunny cards to a few people in my 4th grade class.
“You smell like pee”
“Your mother looks like Scooby Doo”
“You buy your sneakers from Pathmark”
Those were just a few of the love notes I shared with some people.
Then there was the Valentines Day that I celebrated with my ex-fiance. Technically it wasn’t on Valentines Day, because we spent a few days before that in Puerto Rico, so we celebrated after we returned. He gave me an 80gb ipod. I looked at it strangely. I took it appreciatively and with a smile, and placed it in my purse with the other 80gb ipod he gave me weeks before. Yes, apparently he forgot. Weeks later, I “discovered” his Adult Friend Finder profile, and yeah, it wasn’t pretty after that.
Not everyone has a someone “special”
or a jumpoff to celebrate the day with. Some people don’t want one, and I also know couples who don’t feel the need to celebrate it. So I’ve compiled a list of 5 things you can do instead of celebrating Valentines Day.
1. Hand out laxatives instead of chocolates to those few coworkers you don’t like at work. There’s nothing like seeing someone’s face when they’re insides are about to explode.
2. Take a handful of those chalky tasting candies, find the car of the ex that you HATE, whom you could have been celebrating Vday with, but he cheated on you and you found out, and pour the candies in his gas tank. Now, if you do this, please do not come after me & blaming me for it.
3. Do what I did in 4th grade, leave little “love” notes to those people you don’t like. “Your breathe smells like day old cabbage”. “Do you know that dress looks horrible”. “Yes, I’m going to stand there & watch you burn”.
4. If you’re a guy and you’re home alone today. Play some Xbox. Wait, that’s probably the reason why you’re single. You play too much damn Xbox. That’s your own fault. Put down the Red Dead Redemption.
5. Go home tonight and pamper yourself! By pamper I mean grab your biggest vibrator & rub out a fat one! What better way to say, “Happy Valentines Day” to yourself.