Yesha Callahan

Pungent Throat Smoke

Yesterday marked the first official day of football for my son. Everyday from 6:30-8:30pm these kids are out there sweating and hurting. I was told at the last minute, that my son, because of his weight he’ll have to play with a larger weight class that is mainly 11-12 year old boys. Of course I was nervous when I heard that because although he may look the age of an 11/12 yr old, he’s still only 9 years old. In any event, he toughed it out on his first day and the older kids helped him along.

As I’m sitting there trying not to focus on the swarms of mosquitoes that were gnawing at my skin, I felt someone staring at me. Out the corner of my eye, I saw one of the other parents walking towards me. I tried to pretend like I was busy working on something with my laptop, but of course he sat down next to me anyways. He taps me on the shoulder and said he thought my matching laptop and cell phone were ‘cute’ (they’re both CRIMSON). I laughed a little because if he walked all the way over here, I thought he’d have a better pick up line.

THEN IT HIT ME.

The most obnoxious smell, I’ve ever smelled in my whole entire life.

 

His PUNGENT THROAT SMOKE, just set my NOSTRICITIES on FIRE!

I tried not to gag or dry heave, but I felt it coming on.

He kept on talking and talking and talking and talking. Every sentence was hazardous to my health. I couldn’t believe that this grown ass man was walking around with a mouth that was emitting toxic fumes. I didn’t want to be rude, so I kept the conversation going, all along I was thinking to myself, “Damn, I must have a piece of big red somewhere in my purse”.

Saved by the bell.

My cell phone starts to ring. So I opened my purse to search for it. As I’m looking for my phone, I found my pack of big red! I felt as though I struck gold! I didn’t bother to answer the call, but I did pull out a stick of gum for myself first (you can’t just offer without taking one first), then offered him one.

He shook his head and said, “No thanks”.

What the hell do you mean, “No Thanks, negro??” Is what I had to stop myself from asking. Your breath is on fire, and I’m trying to be polite and not tell you that, so I offer you a stick of gum, and you say NO THANKS?

At that point, I was DOA (dead on arrival). His mouth smelled like he had a midget with shit on his shoes dancing around in his mouth!

I refused to continue the conversation. I packed my belongings and told him that it was nice speaking to him, but I wanted to go and sit in my car, so that I could put on the AC (and get some fresher air).

We shook hands and I went on my merry way.

As I sat in my car, I could still smell his pungent throat smoke. So I put the AC on blast and sprayed some perfume, just to clear my nostricities.

  1. August 5, 2008 - Reply

    ROTFLMAO@ midget dancing w/shit on his throat shoes… Gurl, this is too much I laughed out loud at work! Why is that people with bad breath can never smell that mess themselves? I make sure my breath is non offensive especially after lunch.

    • August 5, 2008 - Reply

      @Rena

      Girl, it was horrible! I was trying so hard not to be rude, but I was close to gagging! I’m praying if I do see him again todat at practice that he’s fixed his mouth.

  2. August 5, 2008 - Reply

    LMAOOO…girl, I was in stitches. pungent throat smoke. nostricities. a midget with shit on his shoes dancing around in his mouth! BWAHAHA!!
    OMG…tooo funny!!

    • August 7, 2008 - Reply

      @Kiwi

      the midget was doing the cupid shuffle in his mouth!

  3. August 5, 2008 - Reply

    I nominated you for Brillante Weblog award!
    Jayce

    • August 7, 2008 - Reply

      @Jaycee

      Thanks Jaycee, I’ll have to look into that!

  4. August 5, 2008 - Reply

    I’m sure going through it was not funny at all, but reading about it is ABSOLUTELY HILARIOUS! I can only imagine what it took to not just get angry with him!

    • August 7, 2008 - Reply

      @Sabrina

      Girl, I was trying to be polite!

  5. August 6, 2008 - Reply

    mack momma strikes again lol

    • August 7, 2008 - Reply

      @rawdawgbuffalo

      mack momma? never that..lol

  6. August 7, 2008 - Reply

    Hilarious! Ew…and so accurate because Big Red specificially is really the only quick fix for that kind of mess.

    • August 7, 2008 - Reply

      @thembi

      in case of emergencies you always have to keep some big red in your purse!

  7. August 16, 2008 - Reply

    OMG! When I used to smoke, my ex once told me that “tap dancing midget line” in description of my breath. As a person with a midget fetish, the thought of a midget with shit on his shoes was a definite turnoff.
    I finally quit smoking 2yrs ago cold turkey. Now it disgusts me when I get a whiff of cigarette smoke wherever I go. You should’ve pulled out that Big Red, turned to him, and hit him with the line…
    “Seriously?!”

  8. August 17, 2008 - Reply

    OH! I can’t take it! I almost peed myself reading this! “Pungent throat smoke” though? I can’t take it!

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