Yesha Callahan

Chelsea Handler, Kanye West, Ellen’s Son & That Excessively Pale Taylor Swift

Two hours and 15 minutes of my life that I’ll never regain again were lost last night. I knew I should have watched True Blood instead of the MTV Video Music Awards.  I can only describe those two hours in 4 words: A Cornucopia of Bullshit. The biggest disappointment of the night was the host, Chelsea Handler. Her jokes were horrible.

People in the audience knew her jokes were horrible, but of course they had to politely clap for the cameras. She confessed that she was “high as a kite”, who knows if she was joking or not, but you’d think whatever drugs she took would have made her funnier, hell, it worked for Richard Pryor back in the day before he would hit the stage.  According to Chelsea Handler, Kanye West was the “big black elephant in the room”. I’m assuming that was supposed to be funny, but she failed miserably.  This morning the only funny joke I heard was when my friend informed me that Chelsea Handler was ONLY 35  years old.  Her face tells a different story.

Kanye West wore the hell out of this red suit last night. I pretty much missed his performance only because the suit was just that distracting to me. Also, any man who can get Pusha-T in a lavender suit jacket is pretty much a genius! I’m nowhere near being a Kanye stan, but I would have been proud to see him tell Taylor Swift to STFU and get over it already.

Will. I. Am. Looking. Ridiculous. As. Usual decided to dress up as a black latex condom. Ohh boy, you’re sooo different. Nikki Minaj decided to dress up as the black Judy Jetson along with some Huggies  overnight diapers on.

Ke$ha (pronounced KEH-SHA and not KEY-SHA as I’ve been referring to her as) decided to attend the awards Trailer Park Chic. So she searched her double-wide, high & low, until she found a pair a scissors and a hefty cinch sack bag.

Drake and that pelican that could never land in the cartoons. The resemblance is uncanny.

Look, it’s a vampire from Bon Temps. Taylor Swift instead of writing songs about Kanye, maybe you should think about hiring a vocal coach so you can manage to stay in tune, while singing about Kanye.  Also, your posture still sucks, see a Chiropractor, instead of writing horribly written songs about Kanye. Get over it already. If it’s that bad see a therapist, instead of writing horribly written songs about Kanye, because guess what, Kanye isn’t going any where any time soon.

Usher poses with his protege Ellen.

Usher poses with his protege that was Ellen in a previous life.

Usher poses with Ellen’s son.

Usher poses with a random lesbian.

People, the jokes write themselves.

Eva Pigford unfortunately thought she was skating in the Ice Capades instead of attending an award show.

Who knew Teddy Grahams attended award shows. Where’s PETA when you need them.

Ok Gag-gag. We get it. You love the gays. You’re so different, just like Will.I.Am. It’s not like Cyndi Lauper, Cher, Grace Jones or Madonna didn’t love the gays either. I’m also convinced you wear hideous outfits to take the attention away from your hideous face.

The first person to introduce me to Joe Manganiello will win $1,000,000.00. Well no, not really but you’ll make me really really really…did I mention really?….really…happy! Definitely the highlight of those 2 hours and 15 minutes I wasted.

  1. September 13, 2010 - Reply

    Exactly, except for Eva Pigford is no longer Pigford I think she’s married now, I think 🙂

    • September 13, 2010 - Reply


      No. She’s not married. She broke up with Lance Gross months ago.

  2. September 13, 2010 - Reply

    Teddy Grahams? LMAO. I’m weak.
    I missed the beginning of the show because I had to leave the hibernation of my dorm room to get some food. The show was pretty boring in my opinion. I was kind of hoping Taylor would interrupt Kanye’s performance, but she doesn’t have the guts. Hell, I wouldn’t interrupt Kanye so I know this little white girl won’t do it.

    • September 13, 2010 - Reply


      Oh that would have been interesting if she did. It was pretty much an anti-climatic show.

  3. September 13, 2010 - Reply

    LMBAO at this whole post! Sean Kingston is still famous enough to be invited to awards shows? Who knew. And to Gaga with that suit made of cubed steaks last night, in the immortal words of that great theologian Ed Lover “Come On Son !”

    • September 13, 2010 - Reply


      i haven’t figured out what sean kingston does…besides a great impression of a teddy graham.

  4. September 13, 2010 - Reply

    Too funny, an added perspective after watching, with many accurate descriptions. And yes, Chelsea Handler, “her jokes were horrible.” Oh, if she’s not that funny when not under the influence, she’s not going to be that funny stoned.

    • September 13, 2010 - Reply


      “Oh, if she’s not that funny when not under the influence, she’s not going to be that funny stoned.” AMEN!

  5. September 13, 2010 - Reply

    Chelsea Handler, Kanye West, Ellen's Son & That Excessively Pale ……
    I found your entry interesting do I’ve added a Trackback to it on my weblog :)…

  6. September 13, 2010 - Reply

    I am so dead cause this was so accurate! Chelsea is as unfunny as Sarah Silverman (sp?). Humor is about is great as a piece of toast.
    Oh and I swear I wanted Kanye to Lil Mama the eff outta Taylor but his performance gave the middle finger just as well.
    great post.

    • September 13, 2010 - Reply


      Yup her & silverman are both the same…trying to hard to be funny!

  7. September 13, 2010 - Reply

    You can’t have Joe Manganiello! He is mine! I didn’t watch the award show just because I knew it was going to be bad. The only award show I will give my attention to is the Grammys. I think your post was a great recap and I love your site.

    • September 14, 2010 - Reply


      I will fight u for him! lol

  8. September 14, 2010 - Reply

    maybe it’s me
    but i find chelsea humorous
    on her show.
    especially when she is ad-libbing.
    however, her ability to write
    and delivery rehearsed jokes…
    is equivalent to taylor swifts ability to write
    and deliver rehearsed songs.
    …disastrous and painful.
    btw…what did you think of the trueblood finale?

    • September 14, 2010 - Reply

      @joshua a. washington

      omg! the finale sucked ass! so tara goes & cuts off her extensions and gets a jheri curl?? LMAO!

  9. September 14, 2010 - Reply

    As I scrolled down I was NOT AT ALL prepared for that close up of Drake’s face (my eyes… eyes) Dude has a face for radio. They should have allowed Chuey (sp?) to host instead. I do like Chelsea’s late night show but as a comedian/host *crickets*

    • September 14, 2010 - Reply

      @Miss Insomniac

      I think his face would look better if it was upside-down!

  10. September 14, 2010 - Reply

    I didn’t see the show so I’m glad I didn’t miss a thing… your post is hilarious! Absolutely so. Ok, for real, Chelsea is not 35. That’s her Hollywood age. Old girl has to be at least 49.

    • September 14, 2010 - Reply


      LMAO @ 49!

  11. September 18, 2010 - Reply

    OMG…. I would read this while under the influence. Dying laughing…. like really. I missed the Will and Judy Jetson act… BTW… ok.. looking at the picture.. it’s clear Judy doesn’t have a buttox or it’s just average.. but when she walked out on stage to present an award with.. umm cupcake boob girl.. Errr Katie Perry.. Judy’s Buttox was the metaphoric coffee table.. ummm something don’t add up….. (browsing my hooker book.. errrr Frederick’s of Hollywood to see how big those buttox pads actually are.)

  12. October 20, 2010 - Reply

    She’s not been married for a long time.

  13. December 8, 2010 - Reply

    i really like the music of Taylor Swift, she is really the best singer that i know.*”

  14. February 8, 2011 - Reply

    there is no other music artist like taylor swift, she is definitely a goddess. i love ya taylor swift *`.

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