Ever since Zola came through with her riveting tale of stripping, trapping, and one crazy trip to Florida, folks have been jonesing for another juicy Twitter story. Thankfully, filmmaker Xavier Burgin who tweets under the moniker @XLNB, delivered.
The whole story began with an innocent question:
https://twitter.com/XLNB/status/667169636606066688
While plenty of singles (ehem, myself included) hate this question, X’s homegirl’s reason for being single was a doozy.
She tells me, “It’s cuz I’ve been trapped in the closet. Every girl has a trapped in the closet moment.”
— X (@XLNB) November 19, 2015
How could you NOT wanna hear that story? So, get comfy…cuz it’s long…and hilarious.
Of course, I’m curious so I ask, “Watchu mean trapped in the closet Tina? Like, you’re wondering if you like girls?”
— X (@XLNB) November 19, 2015
She’s like, “Nah, let me break this down for you X.”
— X (@XLNB) November 19, 2015
So I met this dude right, X. He cute. Bout a 7 or 8. Smart, good head on his shoulders. He’s a nurse. I like male nurses. It’s my thing.
— X (@XLNB) November 19, 2015
Me & him been talking for a second. All chill & good. A few dates, and he invites me over to his house. Like a Netflix and chill type thing.
— X (@XLNB) November 19, 2015
So you know me, X. Imma take the plunge. Maybe get it popping. I done seen him in the sweatpants. He gots an anaconda.
— X (@XLNB) November 19, 2015
So I head over to his house that night. I done got myself all ready. Pooched the cooch. Tidied up. Imma let him catch these cookies.
— X (@XLNB) November 19, 2015
(Back to me) First time I’ve ever heard a girl say pooch the cooch. I’m listening real intently like… pic.twitter.com/kUvSIbLi06
— X (@XLNB) November 19, 2015
(Back to Tina) So me and oldboy sitting on his couch. We snuggled up, feeling all good and stuff. Then he asks me a question…
— X (@XLNB) November 19, 2015
“So what you think about starting us?” I’m like, “Watchu mean start us?” He’s like,”We been talking and I wanna take it to the next level”
— X (@XLNB) November 19, 2015
Of course this is exactly what I wanna hear X. Men these days just drag it out and you gotta force them to acknowledge you.
— X (@XLNB) November 19, 2015
I ain’t that kinda girl. I don’t make the first move. I’m old school. The man leads and I wanna follow. He can’t lead, I can’t follow.
— X (@XLNB) November 19, 2015
So when he said this I was just…I was just happy. To see a man take the first step and let me know he’s ready for something. That’s real.
— X (@XLNB) November 19, 2015
So I crawl up in his arms real tight. I can like…feel myself just twinkling so next thing you know…we in the bedroom.
— X (@XLNB) November 19, 2015
We’re ripping off clothes. He’s kissing me like a lion in heat. He scoop me up and throw me on the bed and my lady parts feel like apple pie
— X (@XLNB) November 19, 2015
(Back to me) Who call they lady parts apple pie? pic.twitter.com/KW73ViwU0b
— X (@XLNB) November 19, 2015
(Back to Tina) So he done whipped off everything but my panties and I’m ready for this man to take me on a journey.
— X (@XLNB) November 19, 2015
He get on top of me. I can feel his shoulders just covering my whole body. He’s making my womanhood quiver. Just Qua-evvv-rrr…
— X (@XLNB) November 19, 2015
Guess what he whisper in my ear X?
— X (@XLNB) November 19, 2015
(Back to me) What he whisper in ya ear Tina? pic.twitter.com/sIsYr1swtt
— X (@XLNB) November 19, 2015
(Back to Tina) That man told me he’s about to make my body gush like I’m chasing waterfalls & tasting heaven.
— X (@XLNB) November 19, 2015
(Back to me) I’m like…nah, not waterfalls…not like waterfalls. pic.twitter.com/MPVfOEawoy
— X (@XLNB) November 19, 2015
(Back to Tina) Yes X. Like waterfalls. Like I’m falling in water of falls. At this point I just wanna have his babies and start a family
— X (@XLNB) November 19, 2015
Just as he’s about to whip out the meat….we hear a banging at the door.
— X (@XLNB) November 19, 2015
Someone is screaming. Like, screaming they lungs out. It’s a woman’s voice. It sounds like she’s gone break down the door, X.
— X (@XLNB) November 19, 2015
(Back to me) I’m on the edge my seat listening like… pic.twitter.com/dXhsh1naiN
— X (@XLNB) November 19, 2015
(Back to Tina) Oldboy face goes white. Like, Tom Hanks. He looks at me and says…get in the closet.
— X (@XLNB) November 19, 2015
I’m like…what you mean…get in the closet? I ain’t getting in no closet. This n*gga picks me up and throws me into the closet.
— X (@XLNB) November 19, 2015
He shuts the closet door and runs out to the front door. Be reminded, I ain’t got nothing but my panties on. I’m nekkid…
— X (@XLNB) November 19, 2015
Nekkid on the floor in his closet next to some timbs and Gucci flip flops. At this point, I’m too in shock to even get up.
— X (@XLNB) November 19, 2015
(Back to me) I’m sitting beside Tina thinking, not some Gucci flip flops… pic.twitter.com/dRkMULQBD7
— X (@XLNB) November 19, 2015
(Back to Tina) I’m about to bust out the closet. Who TF he think he is. Like, how dare he do some foul sh*t like this!
— X (@XLNB) November 19, 2015
But right as I’m bout to bust that closet open I hear screaming from the living room. Oldboy and whoever homegirl is, they going at it!
— X (@XLNB) November 19, 2015
I mean, she screaming. Who TF you think you are Kevin. How you gone sit up here and do this to me! I been fighting for you Kevin! Fighting!
— X (@XLNB) November 19, 2015
I back away from the closet door. F*ck! This POS got a girl! He got a girl and I’m stuck on his f’ing closet while they fighting!
— X (@XLNB) November 19, 2015
She screaming! And cussing him out. He tryna calm her down. And then…they bust into his room…
— X (@XLNB) November 19, 2015
Xavier…
— X (@XLNB) November 19, 2015
(Back to me) My hands cringing like this… pic.twitter.com/qEayiZsTof
— X (@XLNB) November 19, 2015
(Back to Tina) Xavier…
— X (@XLNB) November 19, 2015
(Back to me) What? pic.twitter.com/ZMIuU5Vkj0
— X (@XLNB) November 19, 2015
(Back to Tina) Xavier…it…just…
— X (@XLNB) November 19, 2015
(Back to me) WHAT IS IT TINA! pic.twitter.com/Kef4mMSfSu
— X (@XLNB) November 19, 2015
(Back to Tina) It wasn’t a woman that bust thru that door Xavier…
— X (@XLNB) November 19, 2015
I’m in the closet Xavier. I’m in the closet while the man I wanted to have my babies is fighting…with his boyfriend.
— X (@XLNB) November 19, 2015
(Back to me) pic.twitter.com/6wTlSKNzC0
— X (@XLNB) November 19, 2015
(Back to Tina) Kevin saying, “Chris, baby just calm down you don’t know what you’re talking bout.” Chris like,”I know what you been doing!”
— X (@XLNB) November 19, 2015
Kevin trying to calm Chris down. And Chris, Chris is just hysterical. Chris screams,”Oh yea!” Chris starts walking towards the closet…
— X (@XLNB) November 19, 2015
Chris gets closer and closer to the closet. I am in shock, X. I cannot move. I cannot think. Chris can prolly hear me breathing I swear…
— X (@XLNB) November 19, 2015
Then Chris opens…
— X (@XLNB) November 19, 2015
(Back to me) I’m in the cut listening to Tina like… pic.twitter.com/nVkNACUmqJ
— X (@XLNB) November 19, 2015
(Back to Tina) …his phone. I immediately see pix of Kevin. Explicit pics. Like, some BET Uncut sh*t.
— X (@XLNB) November 19, 2015
X, I immediately realize Kevin anaconda done slithered across every continent. Chris don’t even know nothing bout me. I ain’t even in this.
— X (@XLNB) November 19, 2015
Chris throws up his phone and just screams, “So what’s all this huh! Who all these motherf*ckers! Who is dey Kevin. WHO. IS. DEY!”
— X (@XLNB) November 19, 2015
Kevin grabs Chris & starts kissing him. Chris is trying to fight him off, “I hate you Kevin! I hate you! I hate you! Everything about you!”
— X (@XLNB) November 19, 2015
But Kevin. Look X it’s obvious he done been thru this before. He’s kissing on Chris and pulling off all his clothes.
— X (@XLNB) November 19, 2015
And Chris is just…he can’t even help himself. Kevin drops his drawers and it just flops out like a baby elephant.
— X (@XLNB) November 19, 2015
(Back to me) I just want to leave at this point, but now…I gotta finish hearing this story. pic.twitter.com/ULb0SO7x6c
— X (@XLNB) November 19, 2015
(Back to Tina) Then Kevin picks Chris up & tells him,”Don’t worry baby, Imma make ya body gush like ya chasing waterfalls&tasting heaven.”
— X (@XLNB) November 19, 2015
And that’s when I snapped X. I snapped. Every cell in my body saw red and then…then…
— X (@XLNB) November 19, 2015
I farted X. I was so mad, I farted in the closet.
— X (@XLNB) November 19, 2015
(Back to me) I’m looking at Tina like… pic.twitter.com/MWZZTtN36E
— X (@XLNB) November 19, 2015
(Back to Tina) Everything stops. We all get quiet. You can hear a pin drop. Chris pushes Kevin off him, and looks dead at the closet.
— X (@XLNB) November 19, 2015
(Back to me) Don’t do it Chris… pic.twitter.com/mH9krzPVF7
— X (@XLNB) November 19, 2015
(Back to Tina) Chris touches the handle of the closet door…
— X (@XLNB) November 19, 2015
(Back to me) I’m just like, Chris plz stop… pic.twitter.com/3xcaM9CvQJ
— X (@XLNB) November 19, 2015
(Back to Tina) Chris opens up the door and…
— X (@XLNB) November 19, 2015
(Back to Tina) I hit that n*gga with the Gucci flip flop. Chris falls to the floor and I run into the living room!
— X (@XLNB) November 19, 2015
I grab my purse. F*ck my clothes. And I dash out the front door. In my panties. Dead at night. Straight to my car.
— X (@XLNB) November 19, 2015
As I’m driving away. I just let it all out. I just start f*cking crying. Like, tears. Real tears.
— X (@XLNB) November 19, 2015
(Back to me) I just sit there. Astounded. I ask, “Why did you cry?”
— X (@XLNB) November 19, 2015
(Back to Tina) Cuz I didn’t deserve this. No woman deserves this, X. It ain’t about him having a boyfriend.
— X (@XLNB) November 19, 2015
It ain’t about him being a cheater. It’s about me. ME. When everything else dies, I’ll still be here waiting for someone to do me right.
— X (@XLNB) November 19, 2015
Why X? Why do we give ppl so much. Me & Chris. Why do we pour our hearts out and get so little in return?
— X (@XLNB) November 19, 2015
(Back to Me) I really, really do wish I knew the answer.
— X (@XLNB) November 19, 2015
(Back to Tina) Every girls has their trapped in the closet moment,X. To be honest, it ain’t always this f*cking sad, and thus f*cking funny
— X (@XLNB) November 19, 2015
(Back to me) You right. But real talk Tina…why you had to Hit’m with a Gucci flip flop? pic.twitter.com/skjXbeFv2J
— X (@XLNB) November 19, 2015
Fin.
— X (@XLNB) November 19, 2015
Liked that one? You might want to also check out X’s ‘Tariq the Cheat’ story, too.
December 28, 2015 -
i’m done, that was too funny, unfortunately i think everyone has a friend who is always getting into crazy situations
December 28, 2015 -
?????
December 28, 2015 -
I’m speechless. I’m rarely speechless.
December 29, 2015 -
Tears…I am sitting here in my office and crying literal tears from trying to muffle this laughter. ?Dear God I needed that this morning?
December 29, 2015 -
This seriously made my day. Thank you for this ??