Yesha Callahan

Open Thread: When Do You Realize It’s Time To Get Rid Of Friends?

girlfriends

Sunday night I settled into my usual tv watching routine. First, The Walking Dead, then True Detective and finally Girls. I can’t say that I watch Girls necessarily because I’m head over heels for it, but I do enjoy two characters on the show, Shosh and Adam.

During Sunday’s episode, the twenty-something group of girlfriends took to North Fork, which is basically Martha’s Vineyard for those who feel they’re too good for the vineyard. The purpose of the trip, organized by Marnie, was to rekindle their friendship and talk about their issues with each other. Things don’t go exactly the way Marnie had planned. They didn’t do the bonding activities, their group dinner was a bust because of unexpected guests and Shosh basically read each and every one of her friends from head to toe after she got drunk.

At the end of the episode, even with all of the drama, everything seemed to be ok between the group of girlfriends. The operative word is seemed.

Let’s face it, sometimes friendships run their course. People move, grow apart, find other interesting people to hang out with. But sometimes friendships can just blow up in your face at the drop of a dime.

At what point do you walk away from a friendship? We all can’t gather our friends and escape to North Fork like the characters in Girls, to talk it out.  Or is talking about even necessary.  Sometimes fading to black, and removing yourself from the situation is easier.

Clutchettes, what did it take for you to realize a friendship has ran its course? How did you end it?

  1. February 18, 2014 - Reply

    Like I said before on here I watch “Girls” one Sunday when they were doing a free trial of HBO. From the many things I gather about the show it seem like all the women were selfish and wouldn’t know what being a friend was if someone gave them instructions in a manual. I think my wake-up call for getting rid of a friend would be when I see her more as an enemy than a friend.

  2. February 18, 2014 - Reply

    Man…WHY is this article so timely in my LIFE!!! lol…I just went through a blow up with some friends in college yesterday. It will continue even more tonight. UGH.

  3. February 18, 2014 - Reply

    When I notice certain friends only contact me with a text or call or email that begins “Oh girl, you’re NOT going to believe this….”, that friendship has run its course. Those who only contact you about drama or male bashing or want to discuss negativity; I have no tolerance for that and those are the people who I fall back from.

  4. February 18, 2014 - Reply

    A friendship,just like any relationship will have it’s ups and downs. I recently ended a friendship with who use to be my best friend since I was 9,I’m 23 now. The relationship became very toxic and incredibly selfish. I realized I would actually begin to dread her phone calls because the conversations would be so negative or asking for favors everytime. We were not celebrating one another, genuinely interested in one another’s life, and it grew to feel like silent competition. This comment is so not linear lol. But,I feel like in my heart-although I will always love and care for this person-it was not a healthy relationship for me. I had to let it go.

    Sidenote,I recently went through a personal detox of sorts and cut off my ex boyfriend and first love for good as well. Although we were not together,I still allowed myself to act as if we were. It harmed me in the end. I wonder why the decision to break away from my friend was more sound in choice that the guy: each circumstance with each person were practically parallel.

  5. February 18, 2014 - Reply

    Yeah, I dumped my bff since 10th grade over what should have been an awesome trip to NOLA for my birthday. She invited 2 other chicks that I didn’t know but I was cool with meeting new peeps. Things started going downhill when she wanted us all to share ONE room. Mind you, we are all over 30, so that was a big NO NO for me, who does that? I don’t know these chicks and you want me to share a room with them? I can barely share room with one chick, much less 3. Sorry but Nope. It just got worse as my birthday got closer. It went from my birthday trip to a “girls” trip and so nothing I wanted to do for birthday, like a plantation tour, NBA game, or even a horse drawn carriage no one else wanted to do anything I wanted to do. Every suggestion I made was shot down as either too expensive, too boring, too whatever. She never once stood up for me, not once, despite the fact this was my trip. Everything was focused on what those other chicks wanted to do or could even afford to do. At that point, I cancelled my flight, deleted her contact info and told her that they should have a great time without me because there was really no point in me going. What kind of bff does that? My last few birthdays have been in the hospital for cancer and other surgeries so I was finally ready to have a great time. I realized that our friendship was completely one-sided, I was always going above and beyond for her b-day, I was lucky to get a call for mine. Planning the trip was like pulling teeth, which should have been a sign for me from jump. Sometimes you gotta let people go when you realize they really don’t care about you. Believe what people show you and not what you want them to be.

    • February 18, 2014 - Reply

      @RGC

      Wow, that sounds horrible. Did you go by yourself to do any of things you wanted to do? See that’s another I hate when people invite other people (friends they know that you don’t) and ignore you the whole time for their other friends. I didn’t have a friend do this but a family member and it would make me sick but she was bad at balancing a lot of things. As a result of that I make sure I include everyone and not ignore someone old for someone new.

    • February 18, 2014 - Reply

      @RGC

      In regards to your health, I hope that everything is going well with you.
      I had experienced similar “birthday” incidents with a group of former friends. I would make plans and they would cancel, at the last minute. Then, they would post pictures of themselves on their Facebook albums. Whenever I would take the “mature approach” by mentioning my opinions and feelings, they would give me the “We have more in common because we’re mothers” spiel… despite the fact that they would engage in activities that didn’t involve their children. For me, the last straw was when I learned about their two-week “girls only” trip to Jamaica, courtesy of their Facebook statuses.
      With these friends, it had taken a long-a$$ time for me to realize that they were “the friends” and I was just the ‘fifth wheel’.
      When it came to my “dismissal”, I didn’t make any grand gestures (long-winded FB status, a chat with all of them, etc.). I just faded away. I removed each of them from FB’s “friends list”. I deleted their contact info from out of my phone’s “contact list”. One of my former friends live in my apartment building with her family and occasionally, I do see her. A simple ‘Good morning’ or a ‘Good evening’ leaves my mouth and that’s about it.

    • February 18, 2014 - Reply

      @RGC

      Wow. Just…WOW!!!!

      I am SO glad you bailed out of that trip before it was too late. You would have been miserable. It sounds to me like your friend and her girls were using you to be the 4th person on THEIR trip. *hmph* I hope you ended up having a wonderful birthday doing what YOU wanted to do.

    • February 18, 2014 - Reply

      @RGC

      @geenababe- I actually traded in my flight for a weekend in San Francisco and had the best time EVER. I refused to let them ruin my birthday because it would have been a hot mess if I went on that bootleg trip. Sure, it cost me extra and I probably paid way more than I should have but it was worth every single penny to enjoy my birthday doing exactly what I wanted.

      @ MimiLuvs–Thankfully, I am cancer free and continue to be so, I think it actually took me having cancer to realize that life is too short to keep people around that don’t care about you.I didn’t make a scene as much as I wanted to, I was just like, nope not going and left it at that. You were so right to cut and run after that whole Jamaica trip, soooo rude!

    • February 18, 2014 - Reply

      @RGC

      Glad to hear you are doing better. i had a similar situation. Went to NOLA for the weekend with 2 friends who wanted to go to strip clubs both nights and hang with drunk folks in the french quarter. It was just 3 of us so of course i was SOL and they weren’t looking to do anything that wasn’t a strip club. So i spent the night in the hotel, ordered some chinese and watched true blood. my sister told me not to let go of the friendship based on that and i didn’t but we are sorta back at the same place again. We barely even talk anymore. Eh. Life i guess.

  6. February 18, 2014 - Reply

    When you realize that there is no reciprocity in place and there is a lack of willingness to match that reciprocity. When you realize the person you have grown into leads you further away from the person they are or have become. When your expectations of friendship no longer align. People come into our lives at various points and the key is to realize when that time is through. Love them, and yourself, enough to let them go. As you mature (not necessarily get older, because some people never mature even well into their old age), you will realize that not every friendship is meant to serve you through your lifespan, and also, it doesn’t mean that you don’t still have love and compassion for the person. It doesn’t mean you have to have an all out blowout either. I step back and read the writings on the wall and make it my business to pay attention when people show and tell me who they are.

    • February 18, 2014 - Reply

      @Memi

      Thank you so much for these words. You read my heart 🙂

  7. February 18, 2014 - Reply

    I watch and really listen to people. I listen on how they tell me they treat other people. If they treat them poorly then I know it is a matter of time before I get the same treatment.

    People always say a good man is hard to find. I say a good friend is just as hard to find.

  8. February 18, 2014 - Reply

    It’s so ironic that I’m reading about the topic of friendship and letting go her on Clutch. Over the past few years I’ve experienced a series of situations that had me really evaluate my friendships. These ” friendships” are relationships with girls I’ve known since I was a preteen (I’m now beyond 30). But as your life evolves ( family, career, perspectives, philosophies, etc.) your friends don’t always share the same journey as you. At times there seems to be a widening gap that you can’t understand how to bridge or make amends to fix. For most of my life I’ve tried to hold on to relationships often just because they had existed for so long. But now I find myself ” letting go”…knowing that the season has changed. Making new friends isn’t so bad.

  9. February 18, 2014 - Reply

    After reading all of the responses to this article, I can take bits and pieces of each story and relate to every drop of it!

    I refuse to have “friends” who take advantage and those who are toxic. Life really is too short. True friends are hard to come by.

    I must say the friends I quickly get rid of are the one-sided friends. You know the friends that talk about themselves from the time you say “Hello” until you hang up. The friends that couldn’t care less about anything in your life, but use you are a sounding board for theirs. They are the ones, like someone else said, that call you and you KNOW they want something or have a complaint. I don’t mind listening to my friends and being a sounding board because that’s what friends do, but I don’t like being used, and I expect friends to reciprocate.

  10. February 19, 2014 - Reply

    I am pretty strict NOW about keeping my friendships drama-free. When I was younger I refused to let go of friends because some of them had been in my life since kindergarten. I wised up and since then I only allow sweet, supportive women into my life. It’s not hard to find them because they are the ones who return calls, remember birthdays, compliment you, etc. so I focus on those women and ignore the bratty ones.

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