Yesha Callahan

I’ve Been Thinking

I’ve been thinking for the past couple of hours….

I’ve been the girlfriend. I’ve been the ‘other woman’. I’ve been the engaged woman who found out her boyfriend was cheating, not only on me, but on the other women who thought they were his ‘girlfriends’ as well. I’ve been the woman who physically cheated once, but emotionally cheated more than once. I’ve been the woman who confronted the girlfriend when I found out I was the ‘other woman’. I’ve been the woman who came close to not only busting windows out of a 2007 Range Rover, but also putting sugar in the tank. I’ve been the woman who was slapped by a man, but stabbed him in his hand in return just so I could leave an indelible mark, just like the one he left with me. I’ve been the woman who would bend over backwards for certain people, only not to receive the same in return. I’ve been someones option, when they were my priority. I’ve been tired. I’ve been sick. I’ve been bored. I’ve been the Ms. Nice Woman, only to realize that half the time it wasn’t even worth it. I’ve been the ‘bitch’, only to realize that it took too much effort. I’ve been the overachiever. I’ve been the loner. I’ve been the introvert and the extrovert all at the same time.

Then there’s the what I haven’t beens.

I haven’t been someones priority in such a long time, I honestly wouldn’t know what that would feel like anymore. I haven’t been able to have a good nights sleep in weeks because my mind won’t shut down. I haven’t been able to verbally tell the man that I love, that I love him because I hate the fact that I still see the hate he has for me in his eyes. I haven’t been the person who used to call up her grandmother just to say hi. I haven’t been the daughter who can’t stop feeling like a motherless child, even in adulthood. I haven’t been taking a medication my doctor prescribed out of fears that it may prevent me from having any more children in the future. I haven’t been sticking to my health regimen that I started when I was diagnosed with an illness this Summer.

Will any of the beens & haven’t beens change anytime soon..?  Damned, if I know. I’ve just been thinking and that’s what I came up with.

 

 

  1. October 23, 2008 - Reply

    I never made anyone else a priority until Leah wouldn’t accept anything less. – and she isn’t my first ‘relationship’ – so it was a big change – to finally be forced to understand what it is to actually ‘put someone first’ – no matter what…
    And obviously it’s easy to forget… and I’m sure I don’t always keep up… but it really was an amazing… shocking concept that someone (Leah) would ACTUALLY believe in that idea no matter what…
    Just a true ALL OUT Love for someone else… and not settling for anything less than that from the other person.
    It was very difficult to believe that someone would actually truly hold that standard… but of course, Leah’s kind of insane. But deciding to buy-in and go along with that, and what it requires.. was a knock down internal struggle… ah, I’ll stop rambling.

    • October 23, 2008 - Reply

      @Mark

      From what I see & read about you & Leah, the two of you are definitely made for each other. Rambling is good sometimes, I did it when I wrote this blog post!

  2. October 23, 2008 - Reply

    All I know is don’t make me come down there and plant my foot in your ass over this medication…thats all “I” know. *rolling eyes*
    But, I feel you. You know what you just said? That you’ve been everything you never wanted and want all the things you’ve never had. Its sad when you reflect and realize that. I hope through some sort of prayer or meditation, you see resolve. **HUGS**

    • October 23, 2008 - Reply

      @Kiwi

      “That you’ve been everything you never wanted and want all the things you’ve never had..”
      So apropos.
      Thanks, Kiwi 🙂

  3. October 23, 2008 - Reply

    Hey babe, sounds like you have a lot on your mind and your plate. I can definitely relate to your frustration and desire for peace of mind. I’ve been in and out of the “WTF is going on?” phase some many times in my life that it feels strange when I’m not. Hate to sound cliche, but the one thing I know for sure is that this will pass…it may hurt a little in the process though :(. Please know that I’m praying for ya and am here if you need someone to listen.

    • October 23, 2008 - Reply

      @CurvyGurl

      Is there even a such thing as ‘peace of mind’? Sometimes I question that concept. I think I need to vent every often just to get my mind right. Thanks for the great sentiments!

  4. October 23, 2008 - Reply

    I just came back to do that thing you told me to do. LMAO

    • October 23, 2008 - Reply

      @Kiwi

      But I already added the cooking one to the first comment…! LOL!

  5. October 23, 2008 - Reply

    All throughout our lives we change. We feel confused as hell at times, and at other times sure of everything we’re doing. Even at my age I sometimes feel like life is up in the air.
    Do yourself a favor. Do all the things in your “haven’t beens” list. Sometimes stretching a little farther than you think you can will afford you good results. Especially in regards to the people you love. Don’t let the chance to express yourself pass you by.

  6. October 23, 2008 - Reply

    This is real talk because by now, I feel like I can talk to you like I know you (I know I dont REALLY but humor me for now…) I dont know where your faith lies, but I can tell you this you cant continue to hold onto what I hear as hurt feelings, and a heart broken quite a few times and still causing you pain. Thats all in the past and there is nothing you can do at this point to change them or fix them. If you can fix them, then by all means do it, if you cant fix them then pray about it, but you should begin to try your best to affirm (and reflect back on) as much positive about those past relationships as you can, try to relish that and then move on. Whether you believe it or not, those experiences made you stronger..NOT weaker…better, not worse. Affirm this daily, and that will become your destiny instead of being a hurt, bitter and regretful woman. As far as telling the man you love that you love him. Tell him anyway. Even if you have to look away tell him anyway. If God has that on your heart enough to blog about it to us out here in cyberspace then you need to tell that man how you feel. Tell him whether he hates you or not or whether he listens or not. He WILL hear you and you never know that may be the one thing he may have needed to hear from you to move on in HIS life as well. YOUR life will only occur once, if you approach life and relationships based on what has happened in your past, you will indelibly continue to attract the same thing to it over and over again. I have experienced every single thing you mentioned above. I have been all of those women. Still are in some respects. But I had to FORCE myself to change ME. How I responded to people, how I communicated with people, how I reacted to people and to things that happned in my life. I have repeatedly been told that I am snobbish, standoffish and mean. And thats what I get from strangers simply based upon my body language. (My friends call me worse) My shrink has told me that this is my defense mechanism. But I had to change that. Now I find that people will walk up to me and just talk (takes some getting used to) because I had to learn to put away that “get away” glare and soften my posture and it worked! So much so that it has now become habit. Now I am not saying that it doesnt irritate me that strange people now pick ME to start talking to out of the frikken blue, but thats just something else I have to work on. Its about me not them. As far as your health goes. (I am no doctor but I play one on the internet…) seems like you are trying to either deny or avoid whatever diagnosis you have received by not sticking to your regimen. My mother did the same thing and her doctor told her exactly what I am telling you. Either you can manage it now and deal with a few minor things you probably dont want to deal with OR you can let it blow up until you have a MAJOR thing on your hands for you and everyone around you to have to deal with. The choice is yours. Now as far as the meds that might possibly keep you from having another baby, if they arent related to your illness, piss on em. If they are ask for something that wont affect your ability to have a baby. If you still have concerns, dont go to your regular OB, go to a reproductive endocrinologist and ask them about the rammifications of that particular medicine. A lot of times the RE can manage your pregnancy on some meds that might be considered dangerous otherwise. (My cousin had a healthy baby while taking her meds(steroids, and hi dosage anti-inflammatory drugs) for an autoimmune disorder thats sort of like Lupus) I am also going through the biological clock thing right now myself. I am a bit older than you so its a little bit more crucial an issue(especially mentally) for me AND I have some other problems going on as well but I can understand your position on that. And finally in as much as it probably doesnt seem so right now, affirm and believe that YOU WILL meet your prince charming and have beautiful babies, and so it shall be. But its all up to you. I hope and will pray that everything you mentioned works out in your favor. Take care.

  7. October 23, 2008 - Reply

    Wow…. I have been in a lot of those situations and have been that person before. I’m learning that the only people who can change me are God and me…I’m also learning that some parts of me that I’ve become, i kinda like now….I think I’ll keep those parts. The hard part is changing the things that I don’t like. Keep your head up!

  8. October 23, 2008 - Reply

    Life is a growing process. Sometimes we get it and other times we don’t. The fact that you slowed down to reflect on things is a step in the right direction. Some things in life, we can’t control, but others we can. Going forward, say to yourself that you will do your best to live a life with few regrets. The phone call to your grandmother that you’ve been putting off–don’t put off. Research medicine and if there may be an alternate, have your doctor prescribe it. If not, know that there are kids who need homes; who don’t have mommies that would love to have a mom who wants them. Know that you’re not alone. The beauty about having blog friends is we’re here to talk you through until you find a resolution. May God be with you.

  9. October 23, 2008 - Reply

    *Sending you a virtual hug* I’ve been in a reflective mood myself as of late and the primary thing that keep coming up is that all of the love and life lessons are preparing me do and be better.
    Leaving you with a scripture that has helped me when my mind and my heart question every decision that I have made.
    ” A man’s mind plans his way, but the Lord makes them sure.” Proverbs chapter 16 vs. 9 Amplified Bible
    basically through prayer and meditation when we are confused or troubled God’s plan and His love is always present.
    btw: take your meds please you won’t be able to look back on this moment and say thank you for the lessons that were taking place at that time.

  10. October 23, 2008 - Reply

    I understand how it is to not be able to sleep cause your mind won’t stop going!
    I’m at a place right now where I’m going over all the things I’ve gone through. I’m just trying to make a conscious effort to use my experiences as lessons.
    I feel like I keep making the same mistakes over and over and I’m wondering if I’m ever going to learn my lesson. I’m so stubborn :/.
    I’ll send up a little prayer for you tonight.

    • October 25, 2008 - Reply

      @Mimi

      Being stubborn is definitely an issue I have as well!

  11. October 24, 2008 - Reply

    Now, you’ve got me to thinking! Great post.

    • October 25, 2008 - Reply

      @CRAIGJC

      My problem is that I think too much!

  12. October 24, 2008 - Reply

    Girl, I got your email!
    I tried to respond to your blog, but it won’t let me!

  13. October 24, 2008 - Reply

    I got the song! I’ve probably listened to it 15 times already!

  14. October 24, 2008 - Reply

    So I will keep it fairly simply and hopefully short. You have to go through to get to! It’s one of my tenets of life. Sometimes we have to go THROUGH the bullshyt to get to the good stuff. I know that I have been wandering in my wilderness for so long sometimes it’s hard to believe that I am in the place I am right now. I mean it just seems for what ever reason I’m in a season of harvest, although I do remember how hard it was to till this land so I could even sew my seeds.
    You know me I’m all about risk taking so I say go for it, do what ever it is you think you need to do to be happy.
    -OG

    • October 24, 2008 - Reply

      @OG

      Excellent advice!

  15. October 24, 2008 - Reply

    I don’t know if you listen to gospel music, but here’s a link to one of my favorite songs
    http://www.imeem.com/sexybrowncaremal87/music/W6vzXE3y/woods_dewayne_when_singers_meet_let_go/
    (I meant to post this last night)

    • October 25, 2008 - Reply

      @Mimi

      I definitely enjoyed that song!

  16. October 24, 2008 - Reply

    @ ALL!!
    I must say that I definitely appreciate all of the kind and supportive words, yall don’t know how much they mean to me! I’ve read these comments so many times today and last night, and they’ve definitely provided me some ‘peacefulness’ and I know that the silver lining in the clouds from these past two days will come to an end SOON!!!

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