Yesha Callahan

I Censor Myself A Lot

 censorship50leaves

This afternoon I was talking to my friend Rippa, who’s blog  is called “The Intersection of Madness & Reality”, and I told him that if I really wrote about half of the stuff I think on a daily basis, that I’m guaranteed to get even more hate mail and so-called anonymous emails (remember people nothing is EVER anonymous) than I already do. So I tend to censor myself a lot. I censor myself not only because of my 9-5, or because of lurkers that I personally know, family members who read my blog, coworkers (*waving* at my old assistant Tonya) but mainly because people nowadays will try to use everything in their power against you, especially with the advent of the power of Google.

I don’t write for fan-fare or notoriety but I write to clear my mind and if someone happens to have a laugh or two from something I’ve written, that’s fine, but it’s not my main focus. Today I received an email from a someone who’s been a reader of my blog for the past two years and they basically told me that the one reason they come back to my site on a daily basis was because it was “real, unbiased & not diluted”. I actually laughed at the “not diluted” part and even wrote them back saying that it was quite ‘diluted’, compared to what I talk to my friends about on a daily basis. Those who know me well, know that most of what I write is what they’d considered the ‘tamed’ aspect of me. But then there are a small number of people in my ‘circle’, who I feel can only handle the ‘tamed’ aspect.

So for a few moments, I’ll share a bit of my untamed views and will see how many people I can scare away. Rippa, this first one is for you.

  • I have never had any white female friends. I don’t think I’d ever want any white female friends.  I’ve had tons of Latin,  Asian & Black female friends, but for some reason I’ve never come across a white female that I could see myself being friends with. The only thing a white woman can do for me is to introduce me to her brother.
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  • I’m a firm believer in the death penalty. Yes, I’m sure there are innocent people on death row, and yes a disproportionate number of the people on death row are minorities, but there are also more people on death row who have murdered, raped and murdered again. I’m a firm believer in Hammurabi’s Code.
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  • Occasionally I ask myself why do I even bother dating black men. I’ve had some of the most horrible relationships at the hands of black men, and I’m not even saying the ones I’ve had with white men were bowls of cherries, but sometimes I just get the urge to say “Fuck Black Men”, but then I look at my black son and see that he’s the future and I would never want my present actions or opinions to have a negative affect on his future potential.
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  • I don’t go to church, because I think there are too many sinners there, why should I add to the sinning population of the congregation.
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  • There are some people that I could careless if they ceased to exist at this very moment. 
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  • Almost 5 1/2 years ago, I had an ectopic pregnancy and not only lost a child, but also a fallopian tube. Not a day goes by when I don’t think about the baby that I lost. Not a day goes by when I dont’ think about my ‘ex’ and where we could have been if that hadn’t occured. What really pisses me off is that I now see his current wife, and him taking care of her kid, and I can’t help but to think that should have been me (if you’re reading this, I’m sure you probably don’t find this as a shock).
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  • Last summer, I truly felt I was on the verge of a mental break down. From going through a break up with my fiance, to being diagnosed with Rheumatoid Arthritis, I felt my world was falling apart around me. I think the only thing that actually helped was when HSWRN (he who shall remain nameless) came back into my life. He’s always had an uncanny ability to know when I’m going through things, even when we haven’t communicated with each other towards a year or longer. I remember the night I broke down in tears while we were in my car driving back from U Street last August, and ever since then I’ve felt that a huge weight was lifted from my shoulders.

So there, that’s me being a bit uncensored and candid. Will it ever happen again? Who knows, but occasionally I like to get a few things off of my chest and this happened to be one of those occasions.

     
  1. May 11, 2009 - Reply

    I know it felt good to get these things off your chest.

  2. May 11, 2009 - Reply

    I respect you for being so open and honest. I've recently gotten back into writing, via blogging, and find myself censoring quite a bit of what I say. Like you I don't want to put something too controversial out there for it to come back to haunt me years from now. Keep doing what you do!

  3. May 12, 2009 - Reply

    yes it was sort of a woo-saaaaa! sometimes i have my public venting sessions..

  4. May 12, 2009 - Reply

    being uncensored is definitely not an easy thing to do, esp. with having a career that doesn't involve writing/blogging…but everyone once in a while if I don't write or say certain things, I feel as if I'd explode.

  5. May 12, 2009 - Reply

    Love this post. Thanks for being real. sometimes i hate blogging too. when you start writing for others and not yourself, that's when you start discovering all these censors you never had. i think for people who enjoy blogging and reading blogs it doesn't matter if they disagree with you on things. if i disagree, i'll either not comment or express my opposing opinion. but it doesn't mean i won't ever read your blog again. i think that's silly. but thanks again for your realness!

  6. May 12, 2009 - Reply

    I love you even more now, sis. And I actually co-sign on questioning why I date Black men. I need to do some self-reflecting on that. You rock!

  7. May 12, 2009 - Reply

    So you know I'm laughing right now, right? You actually put it out there about the White chicks. Welcome to the Darkside (no pun intended White folks so don't get mad) and let the hate mail begin. Its good to see you do this. Now you can join me in my “I don't give a fuck what I say in my blog” world. A world that we can soon takeover. A world where we can throw all the White girls, Death Row inmates, Sorry Black men, fake ass church going sinners etc. ontop their own island and watch them kill each other.

  8. May 12, 2009 - Reply

    Interesting. I didn't find any of your comments particularly controversial, then again, that may be because I've never bothered to censor myself, online or otherwise.

  9. May 12, 2009 - Reply

    Yeah, I figured you'd laugh..but it's true…whether it's a sad truth or not, it's my reality. A few people have questioned it, but it's just how I've grown up…all of my female friends are minorities. And it's even different with the type of white male friends I have, most of them have black/ethnic girlfriends/friends…so who knows…it's my issue..and I doubt I'll change it.

  10. May 12, 2009 - Reply

    Most people who don't censor themselves won't find them controversial. There are a lot of things I bite my tongue online about, but offline, I think a lot of people I know wished I would bite my tongue..Go figure..lol

  11. May 12, 2009 - Reply

    I've reflected on it a lot over the past couple of years, but I try not to group everyone in the same catergory, and although it's hard to do sometimes, every so often I'll come across a black man with redeeming qualities that are hard to ignore.

  12. May 12, 2009 - Reply

    I'm sure your blog is somewhat censored. I don't know anyone who just writes blatantly without any regard for what their readers will say and/or think. I applaud you on being honest about this as well as sharing some little known facts about you that we didn't know. I have been drawn to your blog because it is well written, witty, honest, and thought provoking. I don't think any blogger or writer should just lay it all out there because you do have to keep somethings to yourself for sanity sake.

    Living live on camera is not for the sane.

    Kudos! Another good post!

  13. May 12, 2009 - Reply

    I feel you!! I have enven found myself censoring my tweets on twitter because of a particular lurker who went as far as throwing a tweet I twittered in my face! I was like WTF!! It's twitter!! But no… No… I agree you can not and should not underestimate the reach of social media *sigh* … FYI you're awesome so if anyone has a real problem with what you write they can eat monkey balls!
    LOVE YOUR BLOG!!!!!

  14. May 12, 2009 - Reply

    Yeah I didn't find them that controversial either, but if that made you feel better then thats all that counts…………

  15. May 12, 2009 - Reply

    That's b/c you've known me for how about 8 yrs now?? & you're used to me treating you like crap….and you're used to my crazy moods…and even crazier stories…and you know I can be a bitch at times & rude..LMAO! Aren't you glad we never dated? One of use would have been dead by now!

  16. May 12, 2009 - Reply

    haha yeah that is true! and u r rude all the time not just some times! lol

  17. May 12, 2009 - Reply

    Oh shut up! LMAO

  18. May 12, 2009 - Reply

    Ain't nothing wrong with a lil uncensored ranting from time to time. I let mine out at times. It's a human reality that people have fucked up thoughts…so what. But, what makes you who you are as well as people like you…is that you know when to hold it.

    I like it when you're uncensored. MORE! LOL

  19. May 12, 2009 - Reply

    Honey I almost read my life story just now. I feel for u and what happened to ur baby and I hope that u heal emotionally from that.

    Except for the death penalty I feel the same about all of the opinions u voiced.

  20. May 13, 2009 - Reply

    As always an entertaining and interesting read.

    I have often thought about starting a personal blog (in addition to my music-focused one), but the reason i havn't is that i don't think i would be able to write 'un-censored'.

    There are very few non-music blogs i visit … but this will always be one of them.

  21. May 13, 2009 - Reply

    You're honest and that so damn refreshing!!!!!

  22. May 13, 2009 - Reply

    As a dude with a blog, this is normal… I think.
    We don't put EVERYTHING out for the world to see.
    But sometimes, you just gotta be real with it, and see how people will take it.

  23. May 13, 2009 - Reply

    And this is why I love you! Why are u so fucking real and phenomenal! You rock…

    “kisses & e-hugs”

  24. May 13, 2009 - Reply

    haha why I am I lol over the white girlfriend comment. I feel just the same way the only white women I associate with are either at work or friends of my friends. Which is manly due to the fact I notice that the ones that have black friends use them like mammys lol and I sorry I don't need to mope up no white chick messes. I agree that if you blog you have to censor yourself somewhat because in this age who knows whose watching/reading.

  25. May 13, 2009 - Reply

    It looks like to me that you have a lot to say and are a really articulate writer. I would suggest expanding on some of your thoughts and make some posts out of them, just not the one about the no white-girl friends. I think that was funny, true, but not something you really want to blog about. I personally don't like to suggest my friends based on color and I've met really good people in all walks of life and all colors.

  26. May 13, 2009 - Reply

    Wow…it might be a good thing that no one reads my blog (thank you for checking it out). I have the prime opportunity to say exactly what I'm thinking. Don't know how long that'll last, but I'm gonna have fun while I can!

  27. May 13, 2009 - Reply

    That was mad courageous, chica! I censor myself an awful lot on my blog so I know how it feels. Thanks for sharing.

  28. May 14, 2009 - Reply

    Lol! How about hispanic girls that look white?! he he he
    I appreciate when people are open about how they feel. At least you know where they're coming from and where they stand. You can choose to read or not. If you don't like it… Get the F out!
    I know you're one crazy… funky… opinionated… controversial… (etc, etc) black chick, and I luv ya (NO HOMO) cause I don't have to censor myself around you!

  29. May 14, 2009 - Reply

    I mean, you were a fluke of nature! One of the palest people I know too…but in 8th grade we were two tom boys who rocked Eddie Bauer & didn't give a F…lol..you're my bestie 🙂

    Btw…Hung out with Donald W. Sat. night, he's still cool as hell!

  30. May 14, 2009 - Reply

    It wasn't until recently where my gubment name was tied to my blog, so I feel a little more free..but since that's not the case any more, I feel like “streets are watching” (which they are *waving at the F&R as they compile their discovery)….thanks for stopping by.

  31. May 14, 2009 - Reply

    Of course I'm stopping by! You were actually one of my first commenters 🙂 But enjoy your blog…write what you want…it's your piece of the internet.

  32. May 14, 2009 - Reply

    Not sure if you're a spammer or not (but I will be writing soon about the preditory practices of cash advances..lol)

  33. May 14, 2009 - Reply

    I'm not even going to say that I don't like them, but it's just every circle I've hung out in, never included any, so I'm fine with not associating with them now. I don't think I'm missing out on anything…having a white chick as a friend isn't going to automatically shoot me to a higher level of social status…lol

  34. May 14, 2009 - Reply

    thank u so much! i truly appreciate that..you & @traceyreneejones really made me all misty eyed on twitter!

  35. May 14, 2009 - Reply

    that is definitely true..who knows maybe I'll so it more often.

  36. May 14, 2009 - Reply

    considering you're a victim of my daily 'buzzzzzz', you know me pretty well…lol
    get your butt back down to the dc area..lol

  37. May 14, 2009 - Reply

    Thank you so much for including me in that group & thank you for commenting!

  38. May 14, 2009 - Reply

    It's been 5 years now and not a day goes by where I don't think about it…and it really hits me hardest around mother's day and the estimated bday that I have in my head..

  39. May 14, 2009 - Reply

    I had a mini crush on him for a while… shhhh
    He doesn't read this blog, right? lol

  40. May 14, 2009 - Reply

    Uh, yeah he does, Doc..lol

  41. May 16, 2009 - Reply

    Ummm…this will be my last visit…just kidding!!!

    I feel ya, if I said or wrote everything I feel or think at a given time it would lead to no good.

  42. November 10, 2009 - Reply

    hrmmm, loved your honesty about white chicks…what is it about white chicks you just can't take?

  43. November 10, 2009 - Reply

    hrmmm, loved your honesty about white chicks…what is it about white chicks you just can't take?

  44. November 11, 2009 - Reply

    hrmmm, loved your honesty about white chicks…what is it about white chicks you just can't take?

  45. November 11, 2009 - Reply

    hrmmm, loved your honesty about white chicks…what is it about white chicks you just can't take?

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