Yesha Callahan

It’s A Family Affair

Tidbit #304,393:

I detest family gatherings, large or small.

Tidbit #304,394

I detest them even more if they’re being held at my house.

A few weeks ago, my aunt calls me to ask, well more like inform me, that the 5th of July cook out (we never have one on the 4th) would be held at my house this year because her townhouse was too small to hold so many people, and so was her cousin’s house in Virginia. Mind you, when I received this phone call I was in the middle of waiting for a medical diagnosis and wasn’t in the best of spirits. The last thing that was on my mind was a fucking cook out. In her best guilty plea, she reminded me about all of the times it was held at her house and how she would never ask this of me if so many people in my family weren’t coming in from out of town. Also, my house was better suited because of the large patio and backyard area, so 100 people could easily fit.

Yes. 100 people. 100 family members. 85 people who I had no desire to socialize with EVER, especially if I wasn’t feeling well.

Needless to say, I was dreading the whole 4th of July weekend. Of course the weekend arrived quick. I hoped that she would eventually understand that I wasn’t in the best condition to host anything at my house and she would call it off.

That’s called wishful thinking. It works for other people, not me.

As of this past Thursday, my normally quiet 4 bdrm house because a hostel for displaced family members who were too damn cheap to get a hotel room. If I see another fucking air mattress for as long as I live, I’m going to scream! If someone else asks me why is it that my house seems so ‘not lived in’, I might haul off and smack someone. Excuse me for wanting to have ‘space’ in my house and not have a bunch of odds & ends, i.e, dust collectors, sitting in every corner.

So here comes Saturday. The day of our cook-out. Thank god for my grandmother and my uncle who came to help out before the crowd arrived. My aunt’s boyfriend was on the grill. Not just any ordinary grill either. This thing had to be attached to the back of his Suburban! The picture below is a smaller version of what he had:

His grill put both of my grills to SHAME!
Anyways, before everyone got there, I was counting down the hours to the time I was going to start kicking people out. One by one, people began to show up. Two things managed to piss me off royaly.
1. Who the hell brings a dog to a cook out?? My mother’s cousin, decided to bring her half-a-lassie looking mut, b/c, “He doesn’t like staying home alone”, as she puts it. Seriously??? What if someone is allergic. What if I happened to have a dog that’s aggressive towards other dogs? What if someones kid didn’t like dogs?? I don’t care how docile you claim your dog is, it’s horrible etiquette to bring it to someone elses house!! Needless to say, I made her tie her mut to a tree in the woods.
2. Who the hell invited DJ Radio Raheem??? I live in a VERY quiet neighborhood and to have 3 large speakers posted up in my backyard, blasting NJ club music (UGH I HATE CLUB MUSIC WITH A PASSION), at the highest decibels was not acceptable. Oh, and to top it off, Mr. Crowd Participation, decides to put on a headset microphone, so not only was I subjected to horrible music but also to his horrible commentary!
So of course a family event is nothing without an argument. At last count, I caught the tail end of 3. The common denominator was, as usual, my uncles overbearing and obnoxious wife. I swear if it wasn’t for the fact that he’s been with her for almost 30 yrs, she’d be dead. His sisters, my aunts, can’t stand her and I don’t blame them. Needless to say, my two oldest aunts felt the need to put her in her place after hearing and seeing how nasty she treats my uncle. All I could do was stand back and laugh and say to myself, “It’s about time”.

So, as I’m laying here in bed, trying to destress. My opinion of family gatherings have not change, and will not change. The only satisfaction is knowing that I got to see a few family members I haven’t seen since I was a teenager, and knowing that although time has passed, my family is still a family full of Type A, crazy as shit personalities, from the youngest to the oldest.
Myself included.
Gotta love them but thank god I don’t have to see their asses for another couple of years!

This video reminds me of my mother and her sisters. I remember as a kid, I would ask my mother if that was them all the time!

  1. July 7, 2008 - Reply

    That’s hilarious. You’d have hated me too, ’cause I used to take my dog everywhere. I finally grew out of that habit after I got the kids. Little kids can actually be more of problem to a host than a dog, depending on the setting. Anyway, hope you took a lot of pics, and maybe in 25 years you’ll laugh at the whole thing.

  2. July 7, 2008 - Reply

    sounds like a great time, wish i had so large a family we down to about 25

  3. July 7, 2008 - Reply

    KIT: Oh there were lots of photos taken…I have a cousin who’s a new director at NPR, so she never leaves her house without 2 cameras!

    T.S: There were some interesting moments, but I’m definitely glad it’s over.

  4. July 7, 2008 - Reply

    I really laughed because I hate family gatherings also. We had one, half of the family is at odds with the other so one half didnt show up (which was nice) and of those who did we seemed to still have an allright time. The only problem was that my aunt decided that the next day after the cookout on the 4th would be a good time to have her sons birthday party (a karaoke party) and after having dealt with family the day before I was sooooo not up to dealing with them two days straight, but after a guilt trip from my mom about how I have a child now and how I have to sacrifice my time for him since all the other kids in the family would be there blah blah blah… I ended up having to go…and then Miss Daisy decides she wants to go too for good measure which made me equally as angry because she could have just taken the kid and I could have stayed at home with Gavin DeGraw’s new CD and my Linda Howard novel. Grrrrrrrr!!

    Trust me, I feel your pain.

  5. July 8, 2008 - Reply

    D*mn, that sounded like a lot of fun! You need to give me a heads up when the next big shindig is happenin’ ’cause I want to come! (LMBAO)

  6. July 8, 2008 - Reply

    I can relate… I get to go to the family reunion in a couple of weeks and hear all over again “You’ve gained weight” or “When you getting married” or “I remember when you used to cry all the time”…. and these people wonder why I never see them…

  7. July 8, 2008 - Reply

    LMAO. Welp, now we’ve got some catching up to do.

    Damn 100 people!

    Get some rest, TBC sis.

  8. July 8, 2008 - Reply

    LMAO….I WAS WAITING for this POST! OMG, your family is HILARIOUS!

  9. July 11, 2008 - Reply

    See, we are SO different. I love having people around…well, the 1st day anyway! LOL Once it gets too loud or the bad kids start acting like monkey fools…I retreat to a corner and sit it out til the cars start up and drive off. LOL

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